How Do You Spell “Purge”
POTUS disappears staff, makes Putin look “up for grabs.”
In what he called the largest single purge in the history of purges, the President eliminated more key staff members than any President in the history of Presidents. And this time it wasn’t something he bragged about. For once he did it.
The first to go was Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, who found out the President fired him when he read it in a Tweet. Next was his assistant secretary who revealed to the Press that 45 never bothered to call, or send a “Dear Rex,” letter. According to a White House staff member, POTUS bragged in a meeting with key department heads, “I said off with his head and off it came. The Red Queen couldn’t get Alex in Wonderland the way I got Rex.”
“I said off with his head and off it came. The Red Queen couldn’t get Alex in Wonderland the way I got Rex.”
“You mean Alice in Wonderland?” his new communications director Sebastian Gorka asked. Gorka accepted his second appointment only that morning, being the fourth communication director since Hope Hicks.
“Who cares about her name? I only watched the porn version anyway. Then I had the porn star shipped to my Vegas suite for the weekend.”
“You really shouldn’t be saying this, Mr. President,” Gorka warned, not noticing Sessions telling him to zip his lip. “Things get out of the White House.”
The President immediately fired Gorka for lack of respect, and informed those remaining, “I won’t be soft on any of you anymore. I’m going to purge my staff of malingerers and malcontents before the days over. I’m going to make Putin look like he’s up for grabs.”
When no one laughed, the President slammed his shoe on the desk and proclaimed. “That’s a pussy joke. Jesus, are you as dense as Tillerson?”
The remaining staff members in the room, whom our source did not identify, laughed vigorously then found appointments on their calendars they’d forgotten.
To prove to the public he had a plan of action, the President replaced Tillerson with CIA director Mike Pompeo, and his assistant with Fox and Friends host Heather Nauert. “The State job’s temporary, until I can find a job for her in the White House. She’s hot, and I need another Hope Hicks. Maybe I can dump Huckabee’s fat daughter. Nobody gives a shit about him anymore. Even Country Music dumped him. She’s no Ivanka, I tell you.”
“The State job’s temporary, until I can find a job for (Nauert) in the White House. She’s hot, and I need another Hope Hicks. Maybe I can dump Huckabee’s fat daughter….She’s no Ivanka, I tell you.”
When he saw the media attention the Tillerson firing received, POTUS leveraged it into a day in which no one else made the news unless they were associated with him. He publicly threatened to replace Veterans Administration director David Shulkin, with Energy Secretary Rick Perry (resulting in a demotion for Perry) and cut loose NSA Advisor H.R. McMaster and Chief of Staff John Kelly.
Our White House source confirms he submitted the paperwork before he announced he was “thinking about it,” and is only waiting for the right moment to Tweet to let them know they’re fired. He followed that with a rampage through the White House pointing to staff members and shouting , “Off with her head. Off with his head.”
He finished the day with an emergency closed-door cabinet session in which he announced, “Feel secure about your jobs? Don’t” He opened his drawer and pulled out Tillerson’s head with blood dripping from the neck. “Think this is fake? It’s not fake. Who’s the moron now?”
He then pulled out puppets made by the communications staff with the faces of Pompeo and Nauert. Nauert’s puppet’s plastic breasts were exposed. “These are my puppets I can do anything I want with my puppets. I can make them dance, or I can cut the strings.” He cut the strings with his monogrammed scissors so that the puppets collapsed to the floor.
He leaned over the desk and covered cabinet members with Big Mac infused spittle. “You’re my puppets. This isn’t The Apprentice where I had to deal with network contracts. I’m the fucking President of the United States. No one can touch me.” He punched a number into his iPhone and shouted into the mike, “Hear that, Muller? No one can touch me.”
“This isn’t The Apprentice where I had to deal with network contracts. I’m the fucking President… No one can touch me.” POTUS punched a number into his iPhone. “Hear that, Muller? No one can touch me.”
After the meeting, Kelly assured the cabinet the Tillerson head was a prop made by the President’s media friends and shipped in from Los Angeles at the government’s expense. Tillerson, however, hasn’t been available for comment since the meeting.
Everyone working for the Federal Government worked through the night to update and submit their resumés to every open position they could find, including, admitted Huckabee Sanders, KFC and McDonalds.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
