Member-only story
The Divine Satire
How Donald Trump Defeated Satan
Can Donald Trump out-lie the Prince of Lies?
What you’re about to read is fiction, although I fear some on the internet will circulate this story as part of their religious doctrine. If you’re a member of QAnon, you probably believe something like this already. (Whatever, I tried.)
On the day Donald Trump dies, he descends into Hell. And liberals all around the world celebrate, for they believe this is divine retribution.
At first, the MAGA devotees mourn. But Steve Bannon (a man who knows the Devil’s domain as his second home) convinces them this is good.
“You know who else descended to Hell after he died?” he says. “Jesus.”
At this, the MAGA crowd cheered. “Trump won! Trump won! Trump won!”
And it came to pass the Seven Lords of Hell were all fighting for dominion over The Donald’s soul.
“He sold his soul to me!” cried Mammon, the Prince of Greed. “He traded it for his real estate fortune. Then he sold it to me again for a golden toilet!”
“No, he sold his soul to me!” said Beelzebub, the Lord of Gluttony. “Look how fat he is! The man literally drinks 12 cans of Diet Coke a day! You think it’s easy keeping a guy like that alive…
