How Gilligan’s Island Messed with My Head — and Still Does Today
Yes, it’s true. Even decades later, I am still troubled by the ridiculous ’60s sitcom Gilligan’s Island. The show’s nonsensical plot lines and absurd character portrayals created a psychic storm from which I am still seeking rescue. Help! There are questions that continue to torment me — and I need answers.
First, can anyone please explain to me why Gilligan, the Skipper, or the Professor (three seemingly straight guys) never hit on Mary Anne or Ginger? I mean, they’re stuck on a freakin’ deserted island with a hot farm girl in skintight shorts and a sultry actress, who was just aching for some action. (By the way, I know Ginger was a movie star, but who wears an elegant sequin gown and diamonds to go on some rinky-dink boat tour?) What was wrong with three guys? Low testosterone? Did none of them of ever consider getting either of these lonely ladies tipsy on some fermented coconut milk, and then taking a stroll on the beach? I just don’t get it. Or was there something going on between the Skipper and his “little buddy” Gilligan that I didn’t pick up on?
And then there were the Howells, those insufferable bastards. All they did was piss-and-moan and remind everyone how bloody rich they were. (And who brings luggage for a boat ride? It’s The Minnow, not Royal Caribbean.) You’re telling me no one ever thought about pushing Thurston or his dingbat wife, Lovely, off a cliff by “accident”? Who would have known? After a week, those two pompous snobs should have met their demise. Furthermore, what the heck were the Howells even doing on that tiny boat? Buy yourself a big yacht, hire a crew, and sail wherever the hell you want, you pretentious tightwads.
But most disconcerting of all was the Professor. I’ve lost a lot of sleep over this guy’s behavior. Here’s an engineering genius with multiple degrees who spent every day on the island building stuff — framed huts (with ceiling fans and closets), a pool table, a washing machine, and countless elaborate inventions. For gosh sakes, he even designed a pedal-powered car! Yet he couldn’t slap a few boards on The Minnow and get the heck off the island? I know I’m not the only one troubled by this. Was the Professor some ill-at-ease nerd who couldn’t handle modern civilization and therefore never wished or intended to leave the island? What other explanation could there be?
Perhaps you have also experienced emotional trauma as a result of such disturbing questions on Gilligan’s Island. Do you fear boat rides? Does hearing the phrase “a three-hour tour” give you the cold sweats? If so, I think we should consider beginning a self-help group, organization, or GoFundMe page for survivors of such sitcom malpractice. So, who’s on board with me?
