Political Pop

How I Drank Two Diet Mountain Dews and Almost Joined The KKK

Re-evaluating your life’s decisions, after watching the Republican Party speak.

JD Vance awoke many sleeping giants this week, when he spoke at his first rally as a Vice-President candidate. He said, “I drank a Diet Mountain Dew yesterday, and one today. I’m sure they’re gonna call that racist.” I was shocked. Was this true?

This led to some introspection. I also drank two Diet Mountain Dews. Am I — also racist? According to the Vance Ideology, yes.

I didn’t know if I should run out and do some voter suppression, or throw resumes from minorities into the garbage can first. Maybe redline an entire neighborhood?

I ran from my TV, where I was about to crack open a third Diet Mountain Dew, and headed out to look for like-minded people.

Where do Diet Mountain Dew drinkers hang out? KKK meetings, obviously. That’s where my moral compass took me. It was quite a journey to get there too.

I couldn’t start traveling on an empty stomach. There was nothing in there but Diet Mountain Dew. I came across a diner where I got a pile of flapjacks. As I poured on the syrup, the older man sitting next to me at the counter chucked, “Is that Aunt Jemima?” A couple of other men joined in on the laughs. Pretty soon I did. Was I becoming more racist? Is this how it happens?

I stopped at the gas station after. I needed a beverage for the road. I thought I better play it safe, so I got a Diet Pepsi. I changed it up, so was I now not a racist? On the other hand, Diet Mountain Dew is a Pepsi product. I chose the Pepsi product under my own volition, so my racist journey continued.

I heard White people like the store ‘Hobby Lobby’. Maybe they’d have some insight on where people like me go. I asked the cashier if Diet Mountain Dew drinkers hang out somewhere around here. She didn’t know what I meant. I guess JD Vance meant oppressed white people. So I told her that. She said ‘oh yeah, all the white people around here, with their White privilege’. She rolled her eyes after that. I didn’t ask why. I just left.

After driving around town to see where the Dew-drinking racists were, I stopped at a ‘Chili’s’. I got sizzlin’ fajitas for lunch. The server did happen to be White. After I was done eating, I patted my stomach. The server then joked, ‘Are you going to take a Siesta?’

We don’t really take siestas in the United States. So was she joking about taking a nap, or was it a wink and a nod that we’re not Mexican? Was I reading too much into it? Was I racist for thinking that? Or was she racist? Who knows?

She told me where the local KKK meeting was as I left ‘Chili’s’, so I could see my journey was going to get the closure it needed.

I got to a parking lot at sunset. A lot of men were starting to put on their white robes. I knew I was in the right spot.

I asked them if they saw the JD Vance rally. They said no. I then asked if any of them drank Diet Mountain Dew. They all said no. They said only Commies drink Diet Soda. I didn’t know that.

I said I was worried about getting Diabetes someday, that’s why I drink Diet, not regular. They said most of them have Diabetes. That’s sad.

In the end I realized, I’m not racist for drinking Diet Mountain Dew. I like it because it tastes good. That JD Vance guy just said that, to be funny. But it wasn’t funny, because no one really laughed, from what I heard. Like, he just named a random soda-pop, and then threw in the word ‘racism’. A bit reckless, I think.

I waved goodbye to the KKK members and said I disapprove of their lifestyle choices. I didn’t even ask who they were voting for. As I drove away, I got thirsty. Maybe I’ll get a Diet Arizona Green Tea. That CEO seems like a nice guy.