How I’ll Get My Life Together Once I Get These Damn Mittens Off

I’ll be the first one to say that I’ve made some mistakes in my life. I didn’t finish college, I’ve been moving around a lot, and I’ve only had “jobs,” never a career. Now, however, I’m in a position to get my life together, at least MORE together, but there is one final hurtle: I can’t get these goddamn mittens off. I should explain. Basically, a few weeks ago I put on some mittens but I didn’t take into account how they’d fit on my larger than average hands. Long story short both of my hands have been trapped in these mittens ever since. A lot of people have offered me support and possible solutions which has warmed my heart in these trying times. I can only pray that one day this crisis will work itself out but until then all I can do is put together a list of things I WILL do as soon as the mittens are off. I’m compiling this list not only to keep track of the things I’ll do, but also to inspire someone who may also be trying to get their life on track.

1) Go Back to College

Although not the biggest issue on the list, I think one of the first things I’ll do once I get these damn mittens off is go back to college. My decision to leave college was unrelated to mittens (thank God) but my inability to return has definitely been complicated by these wool hand prisons. As we all know, college campuses have a strict No Mittens Policy and every university I’ve contacted has made it very clear that is not a rule they are willing to break. After making no progress with traditional higher education, I turned my sights to online school, but I soon found myself in the same predicament. Even the online universities have rules upon rules about what is and is not appropriate hand wear. To be honest I have no idea how they enforce that, but most of the online schools I contacted knew I was wearing mittens before I even asked. Many of my friends and family reminded me that I’ve been taught about college’s zero tolerance policies my whole life, but that didn’t make me feel any better. I’ve always known that mitten prejudice existed in the world but I never really understood until it happened to me. All of these obstacles aside, I am determined to further my education the SECOND I figure out how to get these mittens off.

2) Get a New Car

Is getting a new car going to improve your quality of life? No, but I personally think its a step in the right direction. Trading in your junker for a new vehicle could help you out in a number of positive ways. Maybe it could pay for itself by not requiring expensive maintenance or maybe having a reliable vehicle could take getting around off your mind so you’re more relaxed. The logic isn’t exactly ironclad but that’s my thought process. I had concrete plans to acquire a new vehicle but an unfortunate mitten related misunderstanding has put those plans on hold. To set the scene, I had found a terrific, relatively new vehicle I was looking to purchase so I thought I’d get a car loan from my bank. I thought a loan would make it easier for me to pay for the vehicle because it wasn’t a lump sum plus I’d be able to build my credit score for future endeavors. I was confident with my plan so I set up an appointment to sign paperwork and get the loan all figured out. Unfortunately, wherever I go these stupid, fucking mittens go. When I arrived at the bank I was immediately asked to remove my mittens which I could not do and still can not do. The man I was meeting with said that if I left my mittens on it meant I wasn’t comfortable with the situation and he couldn’t complete a loan with someone who didn’t trust him. I frantically tried to explain my predicament, but to no avail. I was forcibly removed from my local bank and asked not to return until I “wanted to act like an adult.” Needless to say I was very embarrassed. Later that day I accidentally broke the heater in my car because I couldn’t feel the buttons through my mittens and I pressed them too hard.

3) Reconnect with Old Friends

Over the past few years I’ve moved numerous times and have met great people everywhere I’ve lived. Exploring and trying out different things is a great adventure, but sometimes you can distance yourself from friends. As soon as I can use my fingers and circulation returns to my hands, I will start making a conscious effort to reconnect with some of the people I’ve lost touch with. The reason I haven’t been able to keep connections with the friends in question is because typing phone numbers with the stupid, wool, seal flippers on my hands is hard. I have to admit that another reason I’m hesitant to contact old friends is the prejudice I’ve faced in the past few weeks of my mitten confinement has made me anxious around people. For example, the other day I was at a fast food burger restaurant and the other patrons were less than receptive of my predicament. Whenever I picked wool and fuzz out of my teeth between bites, I could feel the eyes of other customers burning into me. Judging me. I gave one little Korean girl the finger but she couldn’t see it through the mittens. I technically did though.

4) Find a Career

I’ve worked a few odd jobs since I graduated high school, but nothing I’d call a career. As you can imagine my job skills didn’t exactly grow when I strapped on these bad boys (aka the mittens). Because of this, I’ve decided that when my wiggly appendages break free from these pockets strapped to my hands I’m going to find a career I’m actually excited about. Early on in life I dreamed of being a pediatrician. Family and close friends have always told me that I am a caring person so I thought working with sick kids would be a good fit for me. Before the “mitten incident” I was even making some serious plans on how to achieve this goal. However, it has all been for not. As we all know, all children are terrified of mittens and most hand covers. Most people grow out of this universal fear as they get older, but I’ve found the stigma never quite goes away. While small children have been less than receptive to my gloved state, I’ve found that their parents were the ones who were actually troubled. Immediately their minds drift into the negative assuming I have some sort of contagious rash on my hands or I am a serial killer who sends the police pictures of my hands after each kill to taunt them so I have to hide my hands in public. I always make it very clear that neither of these assumptions are true, but to no avail. All the professional stigmas aside, I hope to pursue something in the medical field as soon as I get these goddamn mittens off.

5) Finding Activities I Enjoy

Assuming I can relearn how to enjoy life after I negotiate myself out of hand Alcatraz, I will make it a point to find things I have fun doing. My hobbies before it was 24 hour mitten time were playing guitar, sewing, typing really well, and having defined fingers. I’ve had to take a break from these activities but when I find a way to release myself you better believe I’m going to dive back in with both feet. Recently I’ve been making the most of my situation and pretending I was a seal while playing in the tub, but that game gets old very quickly. I try to make it fun by pretending I’m different animals with flippers, but there are only so many. Also I’ve been dropping a lot of things, but I’m not sure that counts as an activity I enjoy. When I am able to remove these quilted menaces and retake control of my life, I will be trying to experience the spice of life I’ve been missing.

I sat down to compile this list as a way to keep track of my short term goals, but hopefully it was able to find someone in a similar situation and was able to help them! My spirits are still high and I know this isn’t a permanent situation. I have a gut feeling that my luck will change any day now and I will take full advantage of that day. Thank you for your time. I will try to keep my blog updated with my post mitten escapades, but I may be too busy having fun and using my fingers.

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