The Haven
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The Haven

How Outsourcing Dating is the Next Career Booster

Job, love, life — how to have it all.

Photo by Pratik Gupta on Unsplash

“70% of all communication is nonverbal. What many don’t know is that this applies to online chats, too.”

Today, we sit down with Denise Cupid (not her real name). The 42-year-old has made quite a name of herself for “bringing the whole dating world to the future” — as she calls it. We want to know what the craze is all about.

Smart Humor Series (SHS): Denise, you have a highly unusual job. As an online dating coach, what does a regular work day look like for you?

Denise: I’m not a dating coach. I’m a dating facilitator. Essentially, it’s outsourcing dating. I don’t just coach my clients, I take a much more active role in their search for eternal love and happiness. My business is revolutionary in that I provide a full-service package to accompany you throughout your whole journey. And that journey does not end when you have found a match. I am right there guiding you through all the minefields that are the first meeting, the dating season, up to the commitment period and beyond.

SHS: And beyond? Let’s dive a little deeper here in a moment. But first, what does “taking over a more active role in dating” entail?

D.: Most of my clients are highly successful and super-busy business women and men. They just don’t have all that time to sift through the vast oceans of profiles and find the right match. So, I take that off their hands. I just need a 20-minute conversation to fully grasp what their perfect partner looks and acts like, and we’re set. From there on, everything is taken care of. I choose the pictures, I photoshop them to perfection, I write the profile texts most suited to attract the potential partners, and then I start the matching process on all major dating sites.

“The deep-fake technology we use is absolutely state-of-the-art. We project a filter of our client’s face on the video. They never know.”

SHS: Sounds very time-consuming.

D.: It is. And that’s why my clients don’t want to do that. With outsourcing dating, my clients can fully focus on their career. My service is a real booster for career success in this way. All those hours and hours that used to go into dating can now be efficiently used for what moves you forward. It’s crazy how much time dating can cost. That’s why at first, I was worried the business would not be scalable. But it is. I am proud to say that my company now outsources all photoshopping and text editing to over twenty young professionals. And all the swiping — the most time-consuming aspect of them all — is done by an agency in India. All they need is a VPN connected to the client’s city to ensure local matches.

SHS: And once you have a match, your client takes over again?

D.: No. As I said, I’m a full-service dating facilitator. Just because someone is interested in you initially, does not mean it is a great match. I — or one of currently fifteen first-year psychology students — take care of the ensuing online chats. This way, we can verify whether the profile information of the potential partner is accurate or if there are any red flags. You see, 70% of all communication is nonverbal. What many don’t know is that this applies to online chats, too. First, I look at grammar, vocabulary, and non-excessive use of emojis. These modern hieroglyphs bug me. Use words. I’ve seen texts that did not include a single word. I mean, what are you, a mime?

Anyway, the chats of the most promising candidates are compiled in a short “best-of” with our recommendations for the clients to choose. But before we do that, we really vet the potential candidates hard. You wouldn’t believe how many tricksters and liars are out there…

That’s why we move on to video-chats really fast because there is no point in wasting time on someone that is using someone else’s picture, or an old one, or photoshopped it to infinity…

SHS: But doesn’t the potential partner then see that it’s you and not your client in the picture?

D.: No. The deep-fake technology we use is absolutely state-of-the-art. We project a filter of our client’s face on the video. They never know.

“Dating is too important to deal with it on your own. Let the professionals take care of matters of the heart.”

SHS: Intriguing. You really are a full-service firm.

D.: Real-life meetings and dates are still an issue though. Our clients have to do them in person. But there are companies that are trying to resolve that issue. It’s amazing what AI and robotics will be able to do in a couple of years. Until then, I guide my clients through this crucial period. It sometimes even happens that my clients wear a tiny earphone to a date, so I can feed them with just the right answers and little anecdotes that are likely to work best in the specific situation. This is especially helpful when the client lacks the same knowledge of art, literature, and politics they expect in a future partner.

SHS: But isn’t dating too personal to outsource to someone else, and have them whisper in your ear who you’re supposed to be?

D.: On the contrary. Dating is too important to deal with it on your own. Let the professionals handle it. After all, it’s the rest of your life we’re talking about here. Well, ideally. You wouldn’t choose to operate your own bypass surgery yourself either, would you? No, no, I say let the professionals take care of matters of the heart.

SHS: At the beginning, you mentioned that you go “beyond” the dating period. What did you mean by that?

D.: My business is quite unique in that we offer a full-service experience. Once the dating period is over and the client is in a committed relationship, we offer our “after dating support”. These services are required when the honeymoon phase is over and everyday life kicks in.

It’s quite normal to have a cleaner to take care of your house, a dog sitter to walk your dogs, and a nanny to look after your children. So why not hire someone to entertain your partner while you’re at work. This ensures that there is no “competition” from an “overly friendly” neighbor, and my client can spend quality time with their partner doing things they like rather than having to ask about someone else’s day. “After dating support” is our solution to outsource the everyday, so you can focus on making the “special moments” count. Let us take care of the rest, and you will just get an executive report with the relevant bullet points of what is currently happening in your husband’s or wife’s life. Isn’t that the dream?

*Disclaimer: Due to the real-life restraints of fiction, the interview was conducted exclusively in the author’s mind.

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