How raisins ruined my life
or… Raisin hell! He was such a happy child…
I’m not a fan of fruits or vegetables. I don’t like them and they don’t like me. I’ve never cared for their attitudes. The whole “ We all taste like rank dog shit, but we’re good for you so… CONSUME US!” When I was very small most of them would make me physically gag and sometimes throw them back up. Whenever I’m within their vicinity make sure to keep both my hands on my two Colt .45’s as a balance of power. To make sure that they stay put. To answer your question…yes, I’m a cowboy baby. Whenever I’m out in public I have two revolvers that I carry in their holsters to ward them off and to keep them at bay. Remind me to retell the story about how I was nearly ambushed by the rutabaga brothers in the produce isle of Kroger's.
The day it happened.
I must have been in the second or third grade and it was lunch time. One of the only times that you aren’t forced to learn stuff. Just eat, talk, and try to gross out some of the other kids.
I don’t remember what he were served that day. It was actually just another unassuming day like most others. I can’t even remember what season it was. I do remember that once I received my milk and my tray I was ready to go find a seat amongst my friends and eat my lunch.
Decades have passed, but I can still see where it was sitting. My dessert was in the top right of my tray. It was a cookie. It wasn’t particularly large or small. It was just regular cookie size for someone in elementary school.
I most likely ate a few bites of my main course first and then washed it down with some milk. Then for the cookie. It was chocolate chip, one of my favorites. I picked it up and I took a bite, and begin to chew. What happened next shouldn’t have happened even to my worst enemy. Egad! What type of deception is this? Had one of my friends played a cruel and sick joke on me? What the hell was in my mouth? What was this udder blasphemy? What is so chewy and disgusting!? SACRILEGE! I was in absolute shock, disbelief and dismay.
Raisins
As I began pulling the offending little squishy little lumpy bastards out of my mouth it had finally came to me that someone had put raisins in my cookie. I was speechless. Why? How? What sick child abusing sicko whack job would have done this? I understand now of course that people actually eat cookies like this, but up until this point in my life I didn’t know such debauchery existed. My day was ruined. I had never been this disappointed or let down before. I was now deeply emotionally scarred for like. I had been betrayed by one of a childs best friends… a cookie.
I looked up from my tray at the cookie with the bite out of it. I saw that the raisins were looking up at me laughing maniacally with their razor sharp claws, teeth, flaming red eyes, long slender whip like tails. I looked up from them trying to keep the bile from chocking me. I stared back up to the lunch ladies who had put this abomination on my lunch tray. I knew they could never be trusted again.
Suddenly I noticed that the sun that was coming in from the side doors to my left had a much more dullness to it. As if someone had maybe pulled a shade over it to dim it’s effects. Little did I know that this was just the beginning of my new fate.
I lowered my head and shook it in total disbelief. “ lousy miserable fucks…” They got me, and they got me good.
I lost a great deal that day. They took a child’s innocence away. I grew cold, hard, and distant that day. From that deception it was all too clear that there wasn’t a Santa Claus, Tooth fairy, or Wiener dog wizard.
Everything had changed; dogs weren’t as friendly, the sun wasn’t as bright, rabbits weren’t as soft, ducklings weren’t as cute. I suffer endlessly from trust issues. The only thing that remained fully intact was the non stop blood feud between me and the fruits and vegetables.
In summary
Damn you raisins… damn you all to hell.
