How To Be A Hipster In Your Midlife Years
You’ve seen them. The Millennial hipsters who wear t-shirts sporting logos from rock bands you saw in concert during the 70’s and 80’s. The same people who crowd the check-out lines at Starbucks, Whole Foods, and the free beer-sampling stand at the local arts and crafts festival. Seeing them makes you wistful for your younger days when Mom and Dad paid your car insurance and served free hot meals from the kitchen.
No need to despair. You too, can become a hipster (like your adult children) despite your advanced age, by following these easy, “I’m-Gonna-Stay-Young-Forever” steps:
Stock up on plaid flannel shirts from Urban Outfitters and a pair of Doc Martens to conceal your rubberized arch support pads.
Learn how to crochet a sweater made from wheat grass and hemp.
Cash in your 401k and travel around the country in a vintage Airstream to sell healing crystals, Buddha bracelets, and your own brand of organic hummus made from cage-free chic peas.
Grow your own cannabis in decoupage milk cartons stored on your back porch.
Carry a ukulele everywhere you go, even if your rendition of “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” sounds more like the neighbor’s cat in heat.
Call yourself a “craft brew aficionado” and be well versed in the difference between IPAs and Stouts.
Recycle EVERYTHING, including lint from the dryer that can be knitted into socks.
Enroll in yoga classes but make sure you take plenty of Gas-X before you stretch into downward dog position.
Ditch the frozen meatloaf from 2012 in the back of your freezer and become a vegan.
Master Corn Hole and giant Jenga blocks.
Buy a used Prius — -or better yet — -get a gerbil-powered bike.
Get a Tattoo of your spirit animal inked on your shoulder — -even if that animal happens to be a hippopotamus.
Stash some edibles in your faux leather fanny pack before heading out to a tribal funk music concert at the park.
Learn how to pronounce quinoa.
Grow a beard and buy special wax for shaping it into a facial topiary.
Protest against social inequality, corporate greed, and Alpaca farms.
Buy organic, gluten-free, locally grown food at the farmer’s market, even if it means you’ll have gastrointestinal issues for months to come from the amount of kale you’ll consume.
Take a class in latte art.
Leave a final request in your will to be buried in a biodegradable burial pod, or to have your cremated remains turned into family heirloom jewelry.