How to Convince Your Friends that You Really Will Become Megan Fox This Summer
It’s finally summertime, which means a long-awaited break from work, family, failing relationships, and anything else you need to run away from! The stress of deadlines, your annoying AF boss, unpaid bills, and watching every intense episode of The Handmaid’s Tale has accumulated in pounds in unwanted areas. It’s time to get some Vitamin D, rejuvenate your soul, spend time on the beach with friends, and get working on that beach bod.
You go forth into the summer with determination to completely reinvent yourself. As you do every summer, you tell your friends to “watch out” because when you come back, they won’t even recognize you. You’ll be so hot, you’re going to look like Megan Fox! But this time you mean it. Unfortunately, your friends STILL don’t believe you. You become the friend who cried “Megan Fox”.
Chronic “Megan Foxer”, Haley Martin (23) says her friends never believe her when she says she’s coming back as Megan Fox. “Yeah, just because the past 7 summers they say that I always make these promises but “say” I look “exactly the same” or whatever…”
But, this time will be different, Haley states, “I am totally going to show them this time. I will stick to my insane exercise regimen and LITERALLY come back as Megan Fox!” After which Haley began to cackle like a crazed, drugged up evil Stepmother.
Our reporter kept in touch with Haley over the next three weeks to chronicle her make-over and this is what we found:
Within the first week, Haley looked visibly fitter as well as tanner. She credits Pilates 14 times a week, only eating 1 spinach leaf everyday, and crying a lot for her quick transformation. She also died her blonde hair dark brown and started wearing blue contacts. Fun!
By the second week, Haley had a totally different nose. Her speech patterns completely changed and her total body fat went down to 0%. She sported some new tattoos and also reported feeling “so in tune with my body.” What a transformation!
At the third week mark, Haley or as she goes by “Megan” now looks virtually unrecognizable. She started hanging around Shia LaBeouf and a bunch of mechanical giant monsters. And then she turned into a demon and started making out with Amanda Seyfried, claiming her title as a Hollywood “sex symbol”. Oh, she also got married to a guy named Brian Austin Green or something and had 3 kids. Huh, weird! But she still reported that she was living her “best life!”
Her friends and family all commented:
“She has literally never looked hotter in her life!”
“You know she always says she’s going to change but this is f***ing nuts. I totally believe her now and will never discredit her again!”
“Wow she could be the new Jenny Craig!”
“I mean she looks amazing but she doesn’t respond to me when I call her ‘Haley’ now…”
By the fourth week, Haley Martin had turned into an actual fox and was never heard from again. Last sightings report she had trotted into the Indio Desert with some other foxes to enjoy Coachella’s ~good vibes~.
