How to drive a car

When you first ask your parents to teach you how to drive, be aware that having them as instructors can be troublesome. They tend to verbalize, giving you random pop quizzes like “How do you park on a steep hill?” Or “What do you do if the brakes fail?” They point and scream at every intersection: “Watch out!” “Dear God!” If you are willing to drive under these bothersome annoyances, then proceed to the next paragraph.

Now, grab the keys to the hand-me-down you’ve been given access to. Unlock the car as your parent inspects the vehicle for any excuse to make you go back in the house, like low air in the tires. As you secure your seatbelt, modify your seating so your legs can reach the pedal. Adjust your rearview mirror so you can see the people fall off their bikes as you crash into them.

Now it’s the real deal, stick the key into the ignition. After a couple of sputters and bumps, cylinders should be pumping. Keep in mind that there is no guarantee the car will start. It is a hand-me-down, after all, so it likely came from an irresponsible older sibling who crashed into mailboxes and never got oil changes. Hold the brake and shift the gear to reverse. As you back up, try not to hit the solar-powered lamps because Grandma gave them to us at Christmas and will notice if any are missing. Now, take a deep breath and get ready to officially drive.

Gradually, slowly press your foot down on the pedal. Please remember slowly. Many users of the automobile will step down too hard and experience a lurch. Lurches tend to result in busted-up fences, tilted mailboxes, crushed bicycles, and heart attacks after you sideswipe Dad’s Porche. Be mindful of your surroundings as you enter the main road. Now make your way forward, going at a consistently regulated speed. No matter what, your parents will verbalize every time you touch the gas pedal. Their favorite words will be “Woah! Woah!” Or “Are you trying to kill me?” Be prudent and navigate with both hands. Aim for the middle of the road, so you don’t look like a boozer. As your parent starts to give you instructions, such as turning left or right, please remember to switch on your turning signals. Please keep in mind, when your parents say turn right, they mean their right not yours. Same goes for Left.

By now, you will have gained confidence and will most likely start increasing your speed. We do not recommend this, and your mom or dad will start to take notice as well. A little fuss usually starts but will swiftly turn into cries of help or shouts of vexation. One area of caution to consider: as you tremble because your parent is yelling while you drive for the first time in your life, do not lose your focus. Those early years of practice ignoring your parents have prepared you for this moment. We recommend you respectfully, respectfully inform your parent that you are in the middle of navigating a moving vehicle.

If you happen to get in an accident the first time you drive, you need to say goodbye to any hope of driving in the future. You will likely say, “Thank goodness we’re okay,” but this will not help the situation. If the worse case comes true and your car is totaled, please make sure to compliment your parents while you wait for the tow truck. You may use these lines for reference. For mother: Wow, I think this accident has caused your wrinkles to disappear. For father: Have you been going to the gym?. These will help cushion the blow and your parents may forget that you’ve totaled their once-expensive vehicle.

No matter what happens, please remember to stay calm and enjoy the learning process. And know that even though your parents can be loud and cantankerous, they just want to see you live another day.

• Ronald Zhai