How to Excel at Online Dating
So, you’ve finally caved in. Your loneliness and carnal desires have convinced you to submit yourself to the overwhelmingly meaningless and dreadful experience that is online dating. Well, don’t worry, champ, we’ve got you covered! Follow these tips and you’re bound for mediocrity!
Photos
Consistency is key. You don’t need photos of yourself from multiple angles showing you doing cool and interesting things. Keep it simple and include 6 selfies of just your face making the same expression to really emphasize what your face looks like. The one expression you choose to repeat over and over again will say so much more about your personality than that picture of you sitting on the top of a cliff or overlooking the grand canyon.
Bio
Were you thinking about writing a cute little blurb about your interests and what you’re looking for? That’s great, but not everyone wants to read your essay, Hemingway! Give them the fast facts by providing a short list of the essentials: Height, Weight, Blood Pressure, and the number of credit cards you own. Also, include some cities you’ve been to or just ones you want to list. Be sure to use confusing symbols in between the cities like Boston > NYC. People won’t know if you’re saying that you moved from Boston to NYC or if you think that Boston is greater than NYC (which would be a very stupid thing to say). It’s a fun and confusing game for your potential suitors to play.
Name
There are a few good options for your name. If you identify as a male, you should really list your name as either Dan, David, Mike, John, or Chris, even if that’s not what your actual name is. When it comes to online dating, all male-identifying people are usually named this, with a few exceptions. The exception being that you can also make up a cool name like Honey, Stud-Face, Rumpelstiltskin, or even just a single letter like “J” or “T” to show how cool you are.
Once you have your profile set and start swiping, you’re bound to make some matches! Now, this next step is very important, so pay attention closely. Match with a bunch of people, but don’t ever message them.
Okay. Sometimes you can message some of your matches, but there can’t be any rhyme or reason to why you message some and not others. When you do message some of your matches, cross your fingers and hope that they don’t answer you back. After all, they did swipe right on you for absolutely no reason. If, by chance, they do answer you, keep your responses brief, preferably not even full sentences.
At some point, you or your match may accidentally suggest meeting in person. You’ll both accidentally agree on a time and place. You may both even show up! If this happens, try to have a decent time, but not too decent. When the date is over, be sure to never contact your match ever again. You did what you were required to do. No need to do more.
Eventually, you’ll get sick and bored of this. But you’ll also be dead eventually, so it’s really not so bad. One day, you may delete the app, believing that intimacy makes you weak. No problem. You can always find hotter matches to play with. Literally.
