#Fail

How to Fail at Making Coffee

Adulting 101 mishaps

Not my coffee maker. Photo by sandevil sandh on Unsplash

[Warning: The following story makes Mark Suroviec, M.Ed. sound less intelligent than he is. Or reveals he is much dumber than he believes.]

This morning I attempted to brew coffee with a single-serve coffee machine — And failed. ¹

I feel pretty embarrassed by this fact. My coffee maker is so uncomplicated that a naked mole rat could brew dark Sumatra without needing a MoleTube tutorial. How can any human screw up a coffee machine with only one button?

What happened

Before putting in the coffee pod and pressing the start button, I should have placed a coffee mug underneath the dispenser.

I did not.

Instead, twelve liquid ounces of mahogany-colored caffeine poured over the kitchen counter, cabinets, and floor. Our floor was stickier than the after-cake time of a toddler’s birthday party. The newspaper was thoroughly coffee-logged. My rare bobblehead collection of Former British Prime Ministers Dressed as Professional Wrestlers were ruined. ²

I carried the café machinery to the sink. Failing to understand cause & effect, gravity, and other laws of physics, I tipped the coffee maker upside down to drain the spillage. The entire water reservoir…