How to Gain Weight and Keep It On
Sorry guys, this one is just for the ladies
What if I told you there is a sure shot way to gain weight and keep it on. I know you’re all dying for this. In fact, the thing that guarantees this, well, many of us have talked about since childhood.
The method I am about to reveal to you takes a lot of hard work. Some could even argue this method takes more work than a 30-minute workout session 3 to 5 times a week. This method involves 24-hour, round-the-clock care.
Are you ready? Here we go, the hardest work you will ever do to gain weight and keep it on.
- Get pregnant.
- Have a baby. Bonus points if you have it during a global pandemic, makes things even easier.
- Sleep minimally or not at all for an entire year.
- Be too tired to cook and order take out or fast food regularly.
- Stop caring that your midsection looks more like your grandfather’s double chin.
- Continue to wear maternity clothes well into the second year of postpartum.
- Eat potato chips while watching a fairly fit woman on a computer screen do yoga.
- Stay in sweat pants during the day so as not to remind yourself how much weight you have gained.
- Stop showering and avoid going out in public.
- Emotionally eat your way through every blow out diaper and blow out with your husband on who is going to change said diaper.
- Cry every day and make excuses to go to the grocery store to cry in your car alone while stuffing your face with chocolate donuts.
- Turn “me time” into lying in bed with a gallon of chocolate ice cream.
- Piss yourself when you sneeze and decide today is not your day.
- Have a second baby.
As you can see, this method is not for the faint of heart. It takes dedication and perseverance. Not everyone is up for this challenge- I have yet to meet a man who can do it.
*** Note: Method comes from author’s first-hand experience***