How to Gain Weight and Keep It On

Sorry guys, this one is just for the ladies

Photo by Huha Inc. on Unsplash

What if I told you there is a sure shot way to gain weight and keep it on. I know you’re all dying for this. In fact, the thing that guarantees this, well, many of us have talked about since childhood.

The method I am about to reveal to you takes a lot of hard work. Some could even argue this method takes more work than a 30-minute workout session 3 to 5 times a week. This method involves 24-hour, round-the-clock care.

Are you ready? Here we go, the hardest work you will ever do to gain weight and keep it on.

1. Get pregnant.
2. Have a baby. Bonus points if you have it during a global pandemic, makes things even easier.
3. Sleep minimally or not at all for an entire year.
4. Be too tired to cook and order take out or fast food regularly.
5. Stop caring that your midsection looks more like your grandfather’s double chin.
6. Continue to wear maternity clothes well into the second year of postpartum.
7. Eat potato chips while watching a fairly fit woman on a computer screen do yoga.
8. Stay in sweat pants during the day so as not to remind yourself how much weight you have gained.
9. Stop showering and avoid going out in public.
10. Emotionally eat your way through every blow out diaper and blow out with your husband on who is going to change said diaper.
11. Cry every day and make excuses to go to the grocery store to cry in your car alone while stuffing your face with chocolate donuts.
12. Turn “me time” into lying in bed with a gallon of chocolate ice cream.
13. Piss yourself when you sneeze and decide today is not your day.
14. Have a second baby.

As you can see, this method is not for the faint of heart. It takes dedication and perseverance. Not everyone is up for this challenge- I have yet to meet a man who can do it.

*** Note: Method comes from author’s first-hand experience***