How to Get Guidance From Your Cheesy Pun Alter Egos

Self-help for silly, imaginative, and batpoop crazy adults

Phoenix Huber
Oct 31, 2020 · 8 min read
Photo by King Lip on Unsplash

Have you wasted your potential? Made a mess of your life? If so, never fear — your cheesy pun alter egos are here!

Take it from me. At age 7, I was considered the smartest kid in the class. By age 27, I had become houseless, jobless, and even headed towards toothless with my atrocious dental care. My address was “2012 Toyota Corolla Avenue.” If you took a peek inside, it looked like a dumpster in there.

What the hell ever happened? I had so much opportunity, man!

Luckily, I didn’t wind up humorless — nor did I lose my overactive imagination! Somehow, I would use my innate creativity to get myself out of this pit and turn my life around.

My parents (to whom I owe everything) took me in just as my bank dropped below $200. The free lodging — combined with COVID-19 unemployment money — gave me a second shot at life. I finally had the opportunity to:

  • make writing my career (if I can earn more than 50 cents an hour at it)
  • discover mouthwash, haircuts, and dentists
  • move out of my parents’ basement before the ripe old age of 30
  • break up with my ASMR boyfriend and find a real man who isn’t 2D and who doesn’t whisper at me to hit the like button every time we cuddle

Sheer dumb luck gave me another chance at being an adult. I couldn’t bear to blow it this time! Such a crisis called for serious guidance…

Guidance from who? From my cheesy pun alter egos; that’s who!

What’s a cheesy pun alter ego, and how the flip is this supposed to help?

A cheesy pun alter ego is you — but with a goofy twist. The pun name represents a different side of your personality from your normal self.

Example: Beyoncé could have a cheesy pun alter ego named “Meowncé” who walks on ledges and chases mice or something.

Like, if you were a cat, what advice would you have for yourself right now? Always land on your feet? Go ahead, have a dialogue with that feline alter ego. You just might become batpoop crazy like yours truly!

The real benefit of a cheesy pun alter ego? You let go of your rational mind. You stop overthinking and subconsciously limiting your thinking. You can dare to be absurd, dare to be dead-wrong.

What may happen is that you wind up giving yourself some surprisingly genius advice. Yes, some of the thoughts will be cheesy (It’s meow o’clock!), but keep going. Golden ideas will rise to the surface.

So if you’re a fellow bozo who needs urgent inner wisdom to get your act together, let’s proceed. Below is every step of this preposterous game we’re about to play:

  1. Play around with your name. Create an exhaustive list of ridiculous pun name alter egos, like Meowncé instead of Beyoncé. Since my name is Phoenix Huber, two of my pun names are Kleenex Ewwber and Genius Cuber.
  2. Decide which side of yourself each pun name will represent. Get a sense for each character.
  3. Check whether the pun names span your entire personality, or whether there’s more ground you’d like to cover. Make more puns until your army of alter egos feels complete.
  4. Imagine each character, and make up the advice they’d give you. I did handwritten, but you can type. You can act the voices out loud. You can do whatever gets you into character and allows you to make up absurd shit.
  5. Take immediate action, or let the ideas simmer for now. Incorporate each alter ego’s wisdom into your life!

Now, before I reveal all the personal pun names I invented, I must confess/explain something.

In 2011, I changed my middle name to the name of a cartoon dinosaur.

No, not Barney. Thank God!

I was a Peter Pannish 18-year-old who still thought The Land Before Time was the best film ever. Calling myself “Littlefoot” made no sense not only because I have hefty size 12 feet, but because I had to constantly explain to people that I’m not Native American. I’m just a white person who never outgrew children’s movies about cartoon dinosaurs.

It sucks having a middle name that makes you cringe every time you have to show someone your driver’s license. But it’s also perfect for one reason: it makes your cheesy pun names even cornier.

Without further ado, let’s meet the puns, and let’s see what advice they have to offer!

Phoenix is the normal me. She releases a constant stream of red lentil farts and can’t keep her room clean for a single day.

Hi! I’m Phoenix! I don’t know what to say or do with my life, so I’ll just listen to all my cheesy pun alter egos!

Great. That was oh so insightful, Phoenix. Moving on…

This side of me would happily spend all day, every day creating pun names. She loves to joke, but she’s too mentally lazy to joke well. She laughs a lot though; that’s endearing. She is Clownix Littlebrain Goober.

Here’s what she wrote:

Hahaha, don’t think so hard, Phoenix. If you want, you can make every article you write, every chat you have, and every chore you do be filled with humor. Let comedy guide you in an easygoing direction. Just start smiling and laughing, and you’ll figure out how to make things funny, hahaha.

Well, Clownix makes a point. I still take things seriously that don’t need to be. If I can smile or laugh on purpose, it often cheers up my mood. Soon enough, the laughter becomes involuntary. :)

Obviously DO NOT read about Dominatrix Littledevil Hubris if you have a boundary around “sensual themes.”

Or if you’re my abuelita. How the hell did you even wind up on this page, Abuelita? And since when could you read English?

Dominatrix Littledevil Hubris is the grandiose, BDSM part of me. She secretly wishes she could make every man bow to her, mwahahahaha!

What I got from Dominatrix’s R-rated input is that I really need to explore roleplay. But roleplay independent of sexuality. When I was a child, I roleplayed interesting power dynamics with the other kids. It was innocent. There was nothing sexual about acting out Harry Potter or pretending we were Pokémon.

I want to rebuild the skill of play from scratch, without being distracted by sexual habits. We “roleplayed” a lot as Theatre students, but it’s been years. I sense there’s still lots of inner work to be done.

Maybe I’ll gain clarity about who I am in the bedroom? At the very least, I will have tried the approach. I can write it off if it’s one more thing that failed to save me from my incorrigibly kink-obsessed mind.

Thanks, Dominatrix Littledevil. I’ll think about what action I can take to make fun, platonic roleplay a part of my everyday life again.

This is the aspect of me that wishes she could give up all else and play forever. Since I’m 3.5 years “sober” from my online gaming addiction, Funix can’t do it. Instead, she’s content to make my real life more like the perfect game!

Funix Ireallymissgaming N00ber, what ideas you have to share?

You’re on the right track, Phoenix! Remember, it took you years to build up to your success on Neopets. The key that kept you playing was the one prize you kept your eyes on — gold trophies. What are your “gold trophies” in life? Once you know that, all of your motivation to play hard as a writer will take care of itself.

Also, train like a hurricane at the games you’re already getting good at. But reserve time for exploring new games too.

It was lovely tuning in to Funix, my old personality from gaming. She reminds me I’m headed in a good direction with my writing. Based on Funix’s feedback, I’ll adjust my November goal to include time for exploring the unexpected.

This is my Ravenclaw self. The one who always excelled at math and writing, The supposed child prodigy I once was, still crystallized in the machine of time.

Genius I❤math Cuber wants to recapture my lost brainpower. She’d coach me to become a very clear-minded, quick-thinking adult.

There’s uncommon sense I could practice, Genius informs me. I’m not the only adult whose childhood cleverness has decayed. What is everyone else doing wrong that I can contradict? How can I be an example of better mental habits?

As a child, I was less sedentary, I went to bed early, and I didn’t spend as much time mesmerized by screens. If I can go back to that, that’s a start.

I used to race through 2nd-grade arithmetic tests. Every question had a right answer and a wrong. The clarity made it easy to maintain a fast pace.

So it would help if I removed the murkiness from writing. I need to see clearly when I’m going off track (such as overediting). I must know what the right writing habits are, and consistently practice them. Then, I’ll be quicker and more productive.

This was a lot. To start taking action, I went to a math site. I practiced 5 minutes of algebra. If I fall back in love with numbers, it’ll be a step to reclaiming my smartypants side.

This is the part of me that just doesn’t care. Kleenex Lottasnot Ewwber is lazy. She’s sloppy. She’s self-indulgent— and that’s how she likes it. You go, girl!

I’ve basically been channeling Phoenix the Kleenex for the past 5 days straight! I started working on writing a ton, while sprawled on my bed with horrendous posture. I’ve done whatever felt good and neglected everything else.

No need for Kleenex’s advice at this time, since we’ve already been together so many hours. It’s been a blast, Ms. Ewwber, but time to give other cheesy pun alter egos the spotlight!

Cheesy pun alter egos — the possibilities are endless!

From consulting with my cheesy pun alter egos, I learned so much.

I learned to smile, to play, to motivate myself. I learned to practice math as a post-grad adult. I learned I should restart my healthy routines ASAP before Kleenex Lottasnot Ewwber ruins everything!

Wait, isn’t that all obvious advice I could have told myself in 10 seconds? Did I have to spend 2 hours engineering the most ridonculous possible pun names and then talk to myself like a Looney Tune?

You shut your face! You shut your face right now! (I stole that line from CommunityChannel.)

In all seriousness, getting to know my cheesy pun alter egos was a delightful exercise. I love how it stops my overthinking mind. With this sort of practice, I nuture the different sides of me. I remember important things, I generate new ideas, and I unlock my intuition.

At some point in the future, I would also like to hear from:

  • Venus Littlefreak Luber (another ultra naughty alter ego, just not as sadistic as Dominatrix Littledevil!)
  • Figix Lottalettuce Tuber (the side of me that prioritizes healthy eating)
  • Shenis Littlesurgery Boober (she wants me to hurry up and finish transitioning male-to-female)
  • Finance Littlefunds Banker (me, if I wasn’t a nincompoop when it came to money…)

We silly, imaginative, and batpoop crazy adults need to stick together!

I hope this article’s ideas help strengthen your connection with your inner wisdom. Whether or not you decide to come up with a bunch of gooftastic pun name alter egos!

May your day abound with beauty and laughter. ❤

Thank you.

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Phoenix Huber

Written by

I am an effusive Pollyanna and vegan trans woman. My passion is to be kind to all kinds.

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Phoenix Huber

Written by

I am an effusive Pollyanna and vegan trans woman. My passion is to be kind to all kinds.

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

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