How to holiday with kids
Leave them behind
If you’re in Ireland, or the UK, and have young children, one thing is certain, you will go to Centre Parks. It’s a pre-written destiny, you’ll end up there, whether you want to or not.
And when you’re back from Centre Parks with a cold from being run down and someone asks you if you’d a good time. You’ll fake smile and say:
“The kids loved it.”
“They could cycle everywhere…it’s very safe.”
“Great independence for them”.
But you’ll be dead inside, dead. And you’ll be broke. Your shit holiday will have cost you three thousand euros for a week with nothing to show but bruises from the water slides your children forced you to do until your elbows bled. And the irony of it is they would have been happier staying at home with unlimited screen time. Aren’t you a fool?
It would make sense to give them the holidays of their dreams if they were nice people, but they’re not. They’re little pricks. My three-year-old shouted at me from the top of a slide last week, “Hey mommy, asshole” and about five mothers looked around thinking it was their child calling them.
Our parents didn’t give a crap if we enjoyed our holidays or not. It was their holidays and we were just tagging along. They mostly weren’t even watching us, they were off getting drunk with their pals. I remember my dad, in Spain, dancing in his underpants on a table, how we all laughed! He wasn’t worried if we’d had enough snacks, or whether we were hydrated, he’d no thoughts at all, he was hammered, and was having a great time.
So when you’re in Centre Parks, just make the most of it and next year, book a holiday with grown-ups, no water slides and no little pricks.
