How to make new friends FAST

New in town? Lonely? This comprehensive guide will teach you how to meet people and make new friends fast.

1) Sell drugs

Times change but people still love drugs. Get an ambiguous nickname. Develop a taste for menthols. Wear one gold accessory. You’ll need a burner phone and an alibi for all your new friends, but that’s the price of popularity.

Hot Tip: This author recommends cocaine for the the most return on friendship.

2) Pay for them

Money, the language of freedom. Why waste the effort of finding new friends when you can pay to be around them. Join a club with membership fees so it’s guaranteed that people show up.

If you’re in college, join Greek life. If you don’t, refer to #1. If there’s two things Greeks love more than an identity and validation, it’s drugs and more drugs. Give them what they want, take their parent’s money, and build friendships that last the high.

3) Go viral

Familiarity is the key to making friends. Film yourself performing a dangerous and/or illegal stunt. Add the hottest memes. Overlay a clip of Alex Jones. Upload it to Reddit.

Before you know it, you’ll be interviewed by VICE and everyone in town will ask if they‘ve seen you somewhere.

4) Kidnap them

Arrange clandestine meetings in places like back alleys and Jack in the Box parking lots. Bring them to your soundproof basement. Give them no means to escape. Bring them Olive Garden. They’ll develop Stockholm syndrome and depend on you for survival.

Bask in the glory of being needed. Don’t forget chloroform.