How to Never See a Ghost

Staying safe from the otherworldly has never been easier.

Photo by KELLEPICS on pixabay

1. Don’t buy a house, only build.
2. Don’t build a house that looks spooky, that’s almost as bad as buying. A ghost might get confused and move in.
3. If you have the means, build two houses. One normal house for you, and one decoy spooky house for the ghosts.
4. DON’T pay attention to ANYTHING around you EVER. If you don’t pay attention to where you left your keys, or to whether or not the bloody writing on your wall has always been there, you won’t know if a ghost changes something! Ghosts LOVE heightening, so if you don’t notice them starting small, they won’t move on to the big things.
5. Don’t have a den in your house. Dens are spooky little rooms that are just asking for trouble.
6. If you must have a den, absolutely do not put a piano in that den. If you do have a piano in your den, and that piano starts playing in the middle of the night (which it will), ABSOLUTELY DO NOT PICK UP A SECOND INSTRUMENT AND JOIN IN.
7. Avoid getting too close with your parents — you don’t want to be the favorite child. Hopefully, if your parents come back from the dead for some ghoulish activities, they’ll bother your brother in Seattle.
8. If you yourself die, remember to keep your eyes closed for the entirety of the after-life so you don’t have to see any other ghosts.
9. You can avoid ghosts by simply not believing in them. For example, if they have dreams of one day publishing their poetry you should read them statistics about the state of the current literary industry in this country.
10. Craft your diet in a manner that causes chronic gastrointestinal problems, that way if a ghost ever possesses you they will be uncomfortable and want to find a more in-shape target.
11. Stay off Tinder. Ghosts LOVE the apps due to their alternative lifestyles and long hours working 3rd shift.
12. Try to have an alien encounter. What are the odds that you’re going to run into both an alien AND ghost in your lifetime? Not very likely. You’re an accountant, not Indiana Jones.