How To Stand With Palestine and Also Have a Big Nose

Sincerely, your Friendly Neighborhood Jew

Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

These days, having a pronounced schnoz is like The Scarlet Letter for oppression. It can be hard to make friends when everyone you cross paths with automatically assumes you’ve got a kink for genocide. Well lucky for you, this agnostic, anti-aparteid Jew has some A-1 tips on how to stifle these suspicions, while also maintaining a stellar sense of smell.

1. Assume a modest stance in crowds. I.e. hands in pockets, shoulders slouched, head cowered. Something that reads, “I could never be so bold as to assume my right to your land.”
2. Sport superhero garb. This genre of nerd often finds it difficult to engage in the low-stakes drama of real-world crises. Who could care about Netanyahu when dudes like Iron Man exist?
3. Go vegan. This will let others know you’re anti-cruelty, and very difficult to make dinner plans with.
4. Create a travel blog. People who run travel blogs are generally uninterested in politics, and have the “Eat, Sleep, Travel, Repeat” merch to prove it! Extra points if your blog includes photos of you illegally trespassing onto government-protected land and/or appropriating any subset of people (at least it shows you’re unafraid of mingling with cultures outside your own!)
5. Get a keratin hair treatment. Having straight hair is a tried-and-true way to assimilate. It lets people know you’re shameful about your ethnic curls, and desperately want to be perceived as white. Which is actually better, in this case.
6. Take up running. Runners are busy running and can’t be bothered to to think thoughts that aren’t about running. Reading the news? No time, running. Staying well-informed? Can’t, busy running.
7. Come out as bisexual. This is a sure-fire method to become more appealing to others. People will think it’s cool that you enjoy sex with men and women, but also are willing to extend you just enough empathy for being apart of a marginalized group (even if you only got admitted on a technicality).
8. Get pregnant. Pregnant people are only expected to be pregnant and dare not engage in political discourse for risk of harming thy child with the dangerous prospect of independent thought! Also, your nose will look much smaller in comparison to your giant belly.
9. Commit a crime and flee, Thelma and Louise style. Grab a friend, rent a convertible, go dancing (skip the assault bit)… have fun with it! A Choose-Your-Own-Adventure, if you will. One way or another you should find yourself descending off a cliff to your imminent death. Look, I don’t like it either. But that’s why it’s number 9.
10. Get the nose job you’ve always wanted but never got because you’re “embracing your heritage”. Finally, if all of these methods fail you, there’s always the option to do-away with the evidence that you descend from any human lineage at all. Nothing screams agnostic like shaving yourself down to the AI-generated version of “girl”. Best of all, you’ll be pretty, so even if you find yourself in a position where you’re asked to present an intellectual perspective on the matter, no one will take you seriously anyways.

I sure hope this helps! If not, well, I’m all out of advice. Maybe try a Catholic.