How to Survive a Heat Wave

Or: I Don’t Have Air-Conditioning

I grew up in a hot climate where the summer days regularly climbed into the triple digits and lasted well into early September. I drove cars without air conditioning for many, sweat-pooled years. For the first two decades of my life, I didn’t own a sweater.

Then I moved someplace mild, where heat was manageable and air-conditioning was not required. And now that I’ve been away from the oppressive heat for so long, whenever I’m once again threatened by it, I become irrational and engage in emotionally-charged debates with heat-worshippers based on my demented thesis that “the sun is stupid.”

Also, if one more a-hole says, “Isn’t this weather great?” I WILL punish them. I’m not sure how, but I’m thinking I’ll terrify them with graphic tales of FRECKLING.

Having recently survived a stretch of scorching summer days I realize that, genetically and emotionally, I am probably not the fittest for heat survival. I’m only alive now because of iced-coffee.

So, take my advice like you would that of any other brain-damaged, heatstroke victim.

How to Survive A Heat Wave Without A/C:

1. Put your feet in a bucket of ice water and watch movies about people freezing to death. Hint: Anything involving Mt. Everest or the Arctic = human permafrost.

2. Make friends with people who have air conditioning. On the hottest day of the year, just happen to be in the neighborhood… in their front yard, naked and sweaty, screaming “Stop, drop and roll!” *

*Fingers crossed cop cars are air-conditioned.

3. Whatever you do, do not PMS (this will only intensify the feeling that you’re an angry baked potato).

4. Bring a lawn chair to the grocery store and hang out in the open refrigeration section. As a vegan — since this is where they keep the meat and dairy — I prefer to loiter in the frozen veggie aisle (fewer people to complain when I’m found sleeping in the display case).

5. Make a pair of pants entirely out of Otter Pops.*

*Frozen Otter Pops (otherwise this is weird).

6. Go somewhere cooler, like an ice rink… or Greenland.

7. Make friends with someone who lives in Greenland.

8. Find out where Greenland is (I went to public school in America).

9. Ever sit in a car with vinyl seats while wearing shorts? Me neither. Those scars on the back of my thighs are birthmarks.

10. Unless you’re into spontaneous combustion, do not eat anything labeled “Now with more Habanero!!”

11. Stick ice cubes in your ears and make a “Brrrrr” sound until it’s over.

12. And finally, though it may feel hot as hell, rest assured you are not actually in hell. If you were, it would be much hotter and “Ice Ice Baby” would be playing on a continuous loop.*

*Otherwise known as 7th grade.

If you don’t want to buy me an A/C, you can just click the heart instead. Luckily I’m cooled by external validation.

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