How to Write a Murder Mystery by Me, Jessica Fletcher (Who, for the Record, Has Never Murdered Anyone)
It’s pure coincidence that the murder rate in Cabot Cove increases when I’m home and decreases when I go on book tours
1. Wake up at 5 AM and don snazzy blue jogging suit. Running, by which I mean going at the pace of a suspect who is trying to flee the murder scene but doesn’t want to attract attention so he keeps both feet on the ground at all time and shuffles off in a modified pee-pee dance, helps get the creative juices flowing.
2. “Run” for about thirty minutes. During this time, let your mind wander. Who is your protagonist? The victim? As you’re thinking over these details, be careful to maneuver around obstacles in your path, such as loose rocks that can cause you to sprain an ankle and random bodies that can cause you to be roped into a murder investigation by a stumped sheriff.
3. Return home to bathe. Find stabbing victim in tub and opt for shower instead. Ability to pivot is crucial for a writer.
4. You are now ready to sit down and write! Choose your preferred writing utensil, such as computer, typewriter, or pen and blood-covered paper.
5. Now comes the hard part: limiting distractions. Try to focus on your story instead of on the drops of blood spattered across the table, down the hall, and out the open door. It’s definitely not related to the body in the bathroom. Also, the phone is ringing? Don’t answer it. It’s just the town doctor asking for your thoughts on cause of death for the body found this morning on the running trail.
6. Let the words spill out of yourself and onto the page. If you find you have writer’s block, try using the Pomodoro Technique where you set a timer and write until the timer goes off, at which point you can take a short break. Unless the timer is attached to a bomb that the sheriff failed to defuse, in which case you have a few brief seconds to show your disappointment through some stern tut-tutting and head-shaking.
7. Repeat the above steps daily until your novel is complete. Don’t listen to the worriers who wring their hands and say, “Dear God, the carnage that will ensue!” They are just being dramatic. It’s not your fault that dead bodies flock to you like moths to a flame. While they say that writers draw from their own experiences, I would like to say that, for the record, I have never killed anyone. It’s pure coincidence that the murder rate in Cabot Cove increases when I’m home and decreases when I go on book tours.
8. This brings me to the final step in writing your book: promoting your novel. Publicity is a must. Think outside the box. By which I definitely mean coffin. If you are lucky enough to stumble across a murder victim, it’s best that they are found publicly and in full view of reporters and onlookers; foul play is harder to prove when the victim has already been interred. Then, when you are interviewed about your gruesome find, make sure to plug your book. I would also appreciate it if you could take the opportunity to credit me, Jessica Fletcher, for your writing journey and reassure everyone that I have never ever murdered anyone. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go scrub my bathtub.
