Humza Yousaf, Hoisted Himself.
On Monday the First Minister of Scotland, Humza Yousaf did a Liz Truss. Resigned, after telling everyone he had no intention of resigning.
Who is Humza Yousaf?
Last year Mr Yousaf, in his own words, a Scots-Asian, or, Scasian to you and me, won the SNP (Scottish National Party) leadership election to replace Nicola Sturgeon. Mr Yousaf, the “continuity candidate,” continued Ms Sturgeon’s legacy by continually blaming Westminster for the fact that the SNP government were governing Scotland badly, continuously.
Why did Mr Yousaf resign?
Well, he kicked his junior coalition partners, The Scottish Greens (who gave the SNP a pro-independence majority), to the curb, and assumed they could still be ‘Indy Friends.’ Apparently hell hath no fury like a Scottish Greeny scorned and they shockingly, well at least to Humza, supported a Tory vote of no confidence in him. As Ms Sturgeon often said to Labour and the Lib Dems, “In bed with the Tories.”
Mr Yousaf’s not quite conscious uncoupling caused Green MSP (Member of Scottish Parliament) Gillian Mackay to burst into tears live on BBC Radio Scotland. Well done big man.
Mr Yousaf was offered a lifeline by Leader of the Alba Party, Alex Salmond, a man who if he got any fuller of himself, he’d be George Galloway. However, Mr Yousaf considered Alba so unattractive a party he chose resignation rather than collaboration.
As Paul the Samurai once said, “I’ll die before I let you kill me.”
A week is along time in Scottish politics. Oh to be a fly on the wall.
Picture goes wavy and we’re back in the past….
8am Thursday morning, 25th April
Me: ….Ay up. Bute House is a beautiful building innit.
Fly: Haud yer Wheesht!
Humza Yousaf: ….I do look like a young Al Pacino don’t I though?
1st Bute House Aide: Er, yes, First Minister?
2nd Bute House Aide: The Greens are here First Minister.
Humza Yousaf: Send dumb and dumber in.
Lorna Slater, Scottish Green party co-leader [whispering to Patrick Harvie]: Why are these imperialist paintings still up on the walls?
Humza Yousaf: Patrick. Lorna. Thank-you for coming. I was just singing your praises. Just for clarification, I called this meeting. I invited you to see me, yes? I instigated this meeting. Understood?
Patrick Harvie, Scottish Green party co-leader: OK, Humza….
Lorna Slater: Presumably this is about your party’s watering down of several climate targets?
Humza Yousaf: No no no, not that green crap. Have you read the Cass Report?
[silence]
Patrick Harvie: Well, I’ve read many criticisms of it.
Humza Yousaf: Have you actually read it though?
Patrick Harvie: I’ve read many criticisms of it.
Humza Yousaf: Have you read it Lorna?
Lorna Slater: I’m with Patrick on this.
[silence]
Humza Yousaf: Look, we all know there’s a Trans elephant in the room.
Lorna Slater: That’s deeply inappropriate Humza.
Humza Yousaf: You know exactly what I mean!
Patrick Harvie: Now you sound like JK Rowling.
Humza Yousaf: That’s it. It’s over, we’re finished.
Patrick Harvie: What on Mother Earth are you talking about?
Humza Yousaf: You’re fired!
Lorna Slater: What?!? You’re dumping this!?! [gestures to Patrick then herself]
Humza Yousaf: Please leave.
Patrick Harvie: You’ll regret this. You don’t want to mess with The Greens!
Humza Yousaf: Whatya gonna do? Make me eat tempeh? Close the door behind you.
Lorna Slater: Humza, what colour is that wall?
Humza Yousaf: White…. Get out!
[door slams]
Humza Yousaf: Our party’s a 10, The Greens are a 7 and a half, max. We were doing them a favour hooking up.
[slumps back in chair]
Humza Yousaf: Arr, freedom.
4pm Thursday morning, 25th April
Me: ….Ay up. Why does the Scottish Green office smell of vegan Scotch eggs?
Fly: Shush.
Patrick Harvie: ….So we’re agreed; we support the Tory motion of no confidence in Humza?
Lorna Slater: Yes, he’s dead to me.
Patrick Harvie: Ahem!
Lorna Slater: Sorry, he’s dead to us.
Scottish Greens Aide: There could be unexpected consequences.
Patrick Harvie: Such as?
Scottish Greens Aide: Kate Forbes taking over.
Lorna Slater: That would be hell on Mother Earth.
Patrick Harvie: Good Gaia.
Scottish Green party Aide: Although, I know you hate me bringing it up….
Lorna Slater: We don’t hate anything. We simply dislike you repeatedly raising the same points that we disagree with.
Scottish Green party Aide: Yes, of course. However Ms Forbes did say, “Equal marriages is a legal right, and as a servant of democracy, rather than a dictator, I absolutely respect and defend that democratic right.” That does suggest her faith won’t get in the way of SNP politics. We could work with her.
[silence]
Patrick Harvie: Definitely not working with that zealot.
Lorna Slater: Promote progressive policies. No Wee Free Church.
Patrick Harvie: Enough intolerance. No Wee Free Church!
Sunday afternoon, 28th April
Humza Yousaf: ….Maybe I should call an election? Who was it that called a snap election seeking an answer to the question of, “Who governs?”
1st Bute House Aide: It was Ted Heath, First Minister.
Humza Yousaf: A Tory, not ideal.
Bute House Aide: He lost that election, First Minister.
Humza Yousaf: Crivvens!
2nd Bute House Aide: Ash Regan on the phone, First Minister.
Humza Yousaf: Thanks. Best get this out the way… Hiya Ash.
Alex Salmond, Leader of the Alba Party: It’s Salmond, Alex Salmond.
Humza Yousaf: My aide said it was Ash.
Alex Salmond: I have a very particular set of knackie-nicks. Knackie-nicks I have acquired over a very long career. My knackie-nicks include voice cloning. The Alba Party has a list of demands….
[Humza Yousaf ends call]
2nd Bute House Aide: Slightly rude, First Minister?
Humza Yousaf: If it was Ash I wouldn’t’ve done it. But it’s Alex. Come on, it’s Alex.
Monday afternoon, Monday 29th April
Humza Yousaf: ….but I am so grateful and so blessed for having the opportunity that are afforded to so few — to lead my country, and who could ask for a better country to lead than Scotland.
1st Journalist: ….All said, that was a great speech. He seems like a decent enough bloke, it’s kind of sad really.
2nd Journalist: Yeah. Funnily enough, the Scottish Parliament will be celebrating its 25th anniversary this year. Created in 1999 as part of Labour’s plans to devolve power across the UK. Perhaps Humza was simply out of his depth when trying to govern a devolved administration?
1st Journalist: I blame Westminster.
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Thanks to my girlfriend Hen.
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