I Am Begging You to Consider My Offer on Your House
Dear Homeowner,
I am so excited to be making an offer on your house!
First of all, let me begin by saying that I am deeply sorry to be financially unable to offer an all-cash settlement. I know these offers can be tempting for you, the seller, and I further understand that my position is weakened by need of bank services and a traditional mortgage. I wonder, however, if I can tempt you with any of these less monetary, but equally compelling, extras?
Under my bed I have a box of baseball cards, roughly dating from the years 1982–1985. These cards have become available because my father, after holding them for 40 years, has cleaned out his attic. I am pleased to offer to you these almost certainly very valuable collectibles.
Speaking of collectibles, my wife has three sets of fancy chinaware that we never use, and I would love to get these out of my house and into your hands. They must be worth thousands of dollars for all the care we have taken moving and storing them over the years. There might be four sets, I don’t even know. In any case, they’re yours!
I don’t know if you’ve heard of this store Bed Bath & Beyond? Well, I have many, many valuable coupons to this store, and I would love to include the entire lot along with the baseball cards and the chinaware.
I am sorry that I cannot allow you to stay in your home rent-free after closing for the next five years, though I understand that requests like this are not uncommon these days. I can promise you this, however: you will live rent-free in my head for the rest of my life.
Speaking of free, I have just four words: Girl. Scout. Cookies. Offseason. I know someone who knows someone who’s deep on the inside. You have a hankering for Thin Mints in August? I can make that happen.
I am sorry that I would prefer to do an inspection on your house. However, if you accept my offer that unfortunately necessitates the opportunity for a licensed home inspector to make sure we are making a fair transaction, I 100% promise that I will come over to help you pack up and move. I can borrow my father-in-law’s truck if that helps, and even bring a friend. Pizza and beer on me!
This might sound too good to be true, but my blood type is O-negative. In addition to being on call for a transfusion 24–7 for the rest of my life, I will also commit to you one of my kidneys, should ever the need arise.
This aspect of our transaction is completely illegal, of course. But I know someone who can get it done. It’s a different someone from the hookup for the Girl Scout Cookies, just in case you were wondering. Not that it should matter, but it kind of does, right?
I am sorry that I am unable to close by tomorrow. Unfortunately, I have a full-time job and must make house-buying plans around that. On the plus side, however, I work as a middle school math teacher, and can offer you emergency advice on the Pythagorean Theorem for the remainder of my career.
Haha just kidding — we all know that nothing from middle school math ever shows up in real life! But I’m happy to tutor your children or grandchildren.
Finally, I don’t know if you know me from Twitter or not? Well, I have over 8,000 followers and I promise to like and retweet every tweet you make from now on. Not on Twitter? No problem! I’ll join whatever social media site you want and cross-post!
Not TikTok, though. I just don’t understand it and I’m terribly worried I’ll do something to get both of us canceled.
I look forward to hearing from you. I know that you are incredibly busy — given that your house will be going on the market next month I’m sure you are already flooded with offers. I am confident, however, that you will choose the right one. Remember, money isn’t everything. For instance, it can’t buy you a new kidney. At least not here in the U.S.
I’ll be over tomorrow with a blood sample and that box of baseball cards.
Jay
