I Am Being Pressured into Drinking Coffee Even Though I Loathe Coffee
Why would I put that anywhere near my mouth, how-dare-you?
Hello. I feel that I should tell you right now that I absolutely despise coffee. Hate it. It’s disgusting.
But I need to order a cup, apparently. In today’s economy, I can’t afford rent and groceries on what I used to make as a tree surgeon so I was forced to become a “business person”. My tree surgeon colleagues and I used to drink sumac tea. It was wholesome and lemony and relaxing and totally fulfilling. My office was the great outdoors. My walls: the horizon. My light: the sun. My music: the pure unfiltered sounds of Nature.
Now, I work in a tiny cubicle. My walls are fabric-covered foam. My light is a buzzing fluorescent nightmare. My music is whatever crap my cube-neighbor listens to. And now, I have to drink coffee, apparently, because that’s what people who work in offices are drinking and if I don’t drink it too, they’ll think that I’m not as committed to “business” and making “Big Money” as they are. They’re over there — that group of pin-striped, briefcase-carrying men who keep looking at their watches and talking on their phones.
Anyway, I need to order some coffee — sorry, I am being socially peer-pressured into ordering some coffee.
Do you need to see my ID?
You don’t? Is that because I look old enough for coffee or do you just wantonly serve coffee to anyone who asks for it? You know caffeine raises the blood pressure of children, right? Well, if there isn’t a law against minors drinking coffee then there should be. Imagine if they drank enough coffee to increase their blood pressure so that blood exploded out of their ears? Could you live with that? It’s organizations like yours that are hindering the natural progression of human evolution.
Bad corporation. No biscuit.
No, I do not want a biscuit to soak up my disgusting coffee. It was an expression. Does coffee stunt your pop-culture knowledge?
What type of damned coffee do I want? I would like to order a coffee that has the least amount of actual coffee in it but served in a giant cup so it looks like I’m really committed to coffee. Like could I get a cup with one grain of your revolting coffee in it? Does coffee come in grains? How is coffee measured? In grams, like cocaine? Or in kilograms per cubic meter like raw sewage?
Is this going to keep me awake tonight? I really hate it when it’s bedtime, and I can’t fall asleep, and I know that coffee can do that, and I don’t want that to happen to me. What is the half-life of coffee in the human body? I know that people who drink coffee are living half a life — I just need to know for how long I am going to be marching with the zombie hordes.
Do I want some flavored syrup in my coffee? Is that some callow attempt to mask the overbearing orangutan-sweat tang of the coffee? Will that work?
Could you put something in the cup to cancel out the stench of the coffee in there? I don’t know — haven’t you got some industrial-strength air freshener in one of those spray bottles over there? I just feel a natural animosity towards the reek of coffee. No offense, but it smells like a skunk just dropped an a**-bomb in the cup, and I really don’t want to have to smell it. Personally, I don’t know how you can work here without a gas mask.
My god that stuff is mucigenically viscous. It’s thick enough to eat with a spoon.
And look at how brown it is. Is that necessary? Why can’t they genetically breed white coffee beans? Why aren’t the scientists at Big Coffee all over this like white on rice? That’s going to be the color of my teeth if I drink this. And the insides of my intestines. Is my pee going to come out like beef broth if I drink this?
You know what? Why don’t you just give me a cup of milk and write the word “Coffee!” on the side of the cup. It’ll be just between you and me. And maybe it’ll help you sleep at night. It’ll certainly help me sleep at night.
Thanks.
Can I have a crazy straw?
