I’m so glad you hit on me at your niece’s wedding
Joan, I’m so happy to be standing here with you in front the five people who still take you seriously, this ULC officiant and my roommate, who offered to be our photographer in exchange for your daughter’s phone number. I don’t care that we’re getting married on a Wednesday night on a balcony overlooking the back of this Hyatt Regency. We have a great view of the pool, it’s reasonably priced and you make me the happiest guy in the world. I’m also the luckiest guy to have such an experienced older woman think I’m man enough to be her third husband. Fourth? Whatever. Numbers are meaningless.
I may not know as much as other guys yet, but you know I’m willing to learn. I may not be as wealthy or…what’s the word…debra-nair as some of the other men who’ve been married to you, but I have youth on my side. You know what I’m talking about. No need to go into details. Nobody needs to hear about our passionate, acrobatic and exhausting sex life. Nobody needs to hear about what you call our ‘Thomas Crown Affair’ staircase sex or what you do with your pearls or what you have me drip into your three o’clock gin.
This is my first time saying vows to anyone so I hope I do a good job. Joan, I promise to be your best friend, constant companion and obedient role play partner. I vow to be the best thing that ever happened to you, even better than that denture cleaner you were so happy to find at Walgreen’s — ON SALE — whaaaaat?
Whenever you need me to do an errand for you, I’ll do it. When you need me to change the channel for you because you’re too tired to get up and find the remote under the stack of Cosmopolitans and pill bottles, I’ll change that channel for you, to anything you want, even CNBC. I promise to watch Real Housewives, NCIS, Rachel Maddow and any other show that makes you feel like you know what’s going on in the world.
If I need to watch sports, I promise I’ll meet up with my friends at a bar. When you don’t feel like going out, I’ll respect that and come home at a decent time-ish.
I’ll kiss you when you fall asleep before I do, which, let’s face it, will happen every day thanks to Lunesta. I promise to keep my music and video game volume down after 10 pm. Okay after 9pm.