I Am Pleased to Announce My New Role as Chief Puppy Masher

Dan Canon
The Haven
Published in
3 min readMay 27, 2024

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You may have heard the sensationalized reports on my grandfather’s company, MashCorp, and it’s well-known invention, the Puppy Masher™. As its unfortunate name suggests, the machine was originally built for mashing puppies into small, fuzzy cubes. Why? No one knows for sure. Granddad was a sick man, and people in those days didn’t know how to diagnose and treat people like him.

Anyway, I have great and terrible news: Effective immediately, I am taking over MashCorp’s day-to-day operations and assuming the title of Chief Puppy Masher. This is terrible news because mashing puppies is terrible. No one’s saying it isn’t! But it’s also great news because it’s me doing the mashing. And things are going to be different around here, I can tell you that much.

For one thing, I love puppies. As anyone close to me can attest, I have many friends in the puppy community. Under my tenure as Chief Puppy Masher, we will mash far fewer puppies than at any time in recent history.

Photo by Jesse Collins on Unsplash

But there’s more. To reflect our new commitment to reduced puppy-related incidents, we’ve completely rebranded. We no longer “mash” puppies into cubes. Henceforth, we will only humanely “smoosh” puppies. Our polling data demonstrates that “smooshing” puppies is 17.5% less despicable than “mashing” them. We are also revising our smooshing…

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Dan Canon
The Haven

Civil rights lawyer, law professor, and high school dropout. Writes about the Midwest, class struggle, and the untold horrors of the legal system.