I am Ralphie the So-Called “Fire Breathing Demon” Dog and I Have Had Enough of This Ish
New York Shelter’s “Jerk Dog” Would Like a Word with You
Hey. It’s me, Ralphie the cute AF frenchie. You probably know me best from the relentless flood of slander directed towards me by the Niagara (NY) SPCA. Using Facebook, the same platform I might add that Putin turned to in order to destroy America, the SPCA has called me among other things a “demon” and “a whole jerk — not even half a jerk.” These so-called animal cruelty preventors also claimed I would eat your dog and that the ideal home for me was “the Mother of Dragons.”
Well, SPCA now it is time for Ralphie’s side of the story so buckle up.
Look, is Ralphie perfect? No. Is Ralphie chronically late to work, in serious need of a total makeover and seeming to find sites labeled NSFW irresistible when left unsupervised like the “hilarious” SPCA social media intern? Also, no. What Ralphie is, is an oft-misunderstood, high-energy, fun-loving bon vivant. If that is illegal then sue me, douchebags.
The SPCA seems more focused on my public humiliation than actually placing me in a good home. Ralphie has tried to be cooperative, even providing a list of potential pet adoptees. Folks that might enjoy a dog that doesn’t put his tail between his legs when faced with a challenge, a way-too-accessible urn full of ashes or an unguarded mound of cocaine. To my knowledge nobody on my list was invited to open their homes to good ol’ Ralphie — not Pete Davidson, not Kanye, not Kelly Ripa, not even Martha Mother F’n Stewart.
Instead, it has been a parade of overmatched dandies, wanna-be Insta-influencers and weak-ass hipster couples who can’t handle what Ralphie is cooking. Why is everyone acting so shocked when the first time I am left alone in a new home I maul every universal remote, Warby Parker frame and Louboutin shoe on the premises? That is what we do, for Chirssakes!
And as for that family who returned me because I supposedly “annoyed” their older dog,” let me be clear that old bitch was insufferable and pretty damn racisty whenever the Zhang family was out of earshot. And everyone relax. Ralphie was just using the correct term for a female canine. But, then again, if the paw protector fits…
And as for the one time a bassinet was violently toppled in the excitement of stepping into what Ralphie thought was my new, loving home, how the actual F was a just-arrived dog supposed to know somebody had stuck a gut dang baby inside of it?
Anywho, now the shelter has enrolled me in in this six-week boarding and training program, or as you humans call the places you ship your scariest teenage boys — “military school.” The Niagara SPCA folks are asking for money to cover the $6000 this Doggie Dark Site supposedly costs. Look, it’s not for “crazy” Ralphie to say if there may be some fiscal funny business afoot in Niagara. But if this godforsaken Golden Doodle Gitmo costs six grand, then I am the Queen of England’s favorite corgi or whatever that person is called now that the lady from “The Crown” died.
Ralphie is more a lover than a fighter. Okay, that isn’t 100% true. I do love fighting. But enough is enough. How is Ralphie supposed to find my forever pet parents when the folks in charge of making that happen are busy chasing clicks by making me sound like Manson’s mutt? Do Tesla ads show cars bursting into flames? Does VRBO show all of those hidden spy cameras and weird blacklight stains? Does Pizza Hut actually show their pizza? Oh wait, forget that last one but you get Ralphie’s point.
So, to the SPCA, Ralphie says let’s meet halfway. Ralphie will expand the target list a bit. Let’s add James Corden, Aaron Rodgers, Lea Michele and either Adam Levine or John Mayer (pick one) for starters. In return, you cut the crap. You don’t like me, and I really really want to bite you. So, let’s hold our snouts, find Ralphie a high-rolling keeper who gets me and put an end to this toxic arrangement we have.
Sincerely,
Ralphie
p.s. — And keep my name out of your mouth. Oh, let’s go ahead and add Will Smith to the list!
