I Am the Shark from Jaws, and I am Calling for Unity
Hello. I am the great white that terrorized the town of Amity, and I am calling for unity. To quote Mayor Vaughn, “Amity, as you know, means friendship!” And I wholeheartedly agree. It’s time for healing. It’s time to extend an interspecies olive branch; to embrace the dove of peace after so much carnage. (BTW, if you’ve never tried dove, it’s delicious. Don’t get much chance to have it here in the mid-Atlantic, but when I do…chef’s kiss!) Let’s move past the bloodbaths of yore, and focus on a new day. One where both great white sharks and holiday beachgoers can frolic in the surf, roughly six feet from the shore, and live together in peace and harmony. At least until I get hungry. But I digress…back to normalizing a fin cutting through water just feet from a family of five on vacation from Maryland. Especially if that family is averaged sized, maybe occasionally plays frisbee golf, and is definitely not a bunch of stringy triathletes. I’m talking about genuine love and healing here.
I know, I know, you’re skeptical. I would be too! It’s going to be tough to put all that screaming and running behind us. But I have confidence that we can do it together. All I’m asking is that you kindly overlook my recent attacks, especially the four people I ate near Hempstead in late spring. I understand that the blood turned the water red for a quarter-mile radius. And that can probably be upsetting for some people. But hey, didn’t it eventually fade to a beautiful pale pink? There’s always a silver lining if you look hard enough.
So what I’m getting at here is that it’s time to put down the harpoons, look each other in the eye, and engage in some serious soul-to-soul dialog about how we can move forward together and heal. I truly want us to get back to being that sleepy beach community where people can feel comfortable and relaxed getting back in the water. Really let your guard down. Speaking of guards, I am absolutely as pro-lifeguard as the next person. But aren’t we going a little overboard with four lifeguards along Amity Beach all season long from Memorial Day through Labor Day? I mean, isn’t one hungover teenage lifeguard enough?
So here’s my proposal. We all join together for a town hall meeting, on the big sandbar just east of the pier, for a meeting of the minds. We’ll forge a new future together. All you need to bring is an open mind, a willing heart, and maybe some mackerel if you have it handy. If not, no biggie. And skip the sunscreen, please, if you think about it. You have no idea what kind of aftertaste that stuff leaves.
And if you’ll allow it, I humbly submit the mayor of Amity to lead this coalition of man-eating sharks and delicious beachgoers. He clearly has the best interests of both parties at heart, and he already said he was super sorry for keeping the beach open after I ate that third guy in March, without so much as taking down the green flags and putting up that stupid ‘dangerous marine life’ flag. I vote we get rid of that too! What an ugly, divisive symbol of hatred and oppression. It truly hurts my heart. It’s symbols like that that are keeping us from living together in the ocean utopia every shark and unobservant swimmer dreams of stamping out so that we can live more harmoniously together in the warm, shark infested waters just six to ten yards offshore.
#sharklife #sharkparty #grabafloatie #allsharksmatter #respectthefin #bloodbath #gooutalittlefurther #relaxitsprobablyadolphin
