SOCIAL
I Broke Tinder
I just broke Tinder again.
I break Tinder a lot.
I’m discerning nowadays. Happy solo. Grumpy more than I used to be. And somewhat jaded to boot.
I sign up because I think maybe it’s time to date again. Maybe it’s the pressure to fit into society’s dictates of happy coupledom. Sometimes I just want a bit of distraction from the existential angst of being human and the inevitable loneliness of this at times. Sometimes I think that it’s time to meet new people and experience new things because I'm just too comfortable not doing this these days.
Or maybe it’s a momentary glimmer of hope, that there is somebody out there who will get me and who I will get as well. A brief belief that I will find my best friend-ever-who-has-my-back and whose back I will have, in return, to adventure on with throughout the remainder of my days.
I know they are out there somewhere. Maybe.
The problem is I rarely get out much anymore so the chances of me actually meeting them are unlikely. So online dating… ugh.
I sign up.
And I swipe madly. Mostly left. I maybe get a match or two. The plain, “Hello.” or worse, “Hello, beautiful.”
Does one even reply to these opening gambits? I mean, could the conversation improve from there, realistically?
The best one I ever received was a, “So tell me what books are on your bedside table?”
Who could resist?
I do meet some cool people.
Maybe make a new friend.
Maybe find a kindred spirit.
But I am usually not ready for it. Or, most commonly, the conversations aren’t worth the eye strain and having to type on a tiny keyboard. And things fizzle out. Guilty as charged. It’s usually on my side.
I run out of matches pretty fast. Even globally. Really. How is this possible?
So I delete Tinder again.
And so on, and so forth.
I‘ve been decent and felt obliged to tell the Tinder people why I am deleting their app when they ask before I do this.
I’ve shared a variety of reasons with them before I bail.
from: I don’t like their app (which is kinda true because window shopping for humans is a bit weird);
to: I want a fresh start (entirely true because my life has been a shit storm for the last couple of years and I’m over it);
to: I haven’t had any matches (almost true depending on what angle you take).
And they still let me sign up again.
I even keep using the same email address to do it. They are very forgiving, the Tinder folk.
I like that about them.
Maybe I am too set in my ways to have much success on Tinder.
Or even dating in real life.
I enjoy my solitude and I have tons of interests that keep me occupied and often cause havoc in relationships because a partner feels neglected.
More reason to avoid relationships. It’s a lot of responsibility at times.
It shouldn’t be that much hard work, should it? I‘m sure I can find the right human for me, so I give it another go…
but…
I don’t swipe right on profiles that:
1) Don’t have a bio
Are you that confident about how gorgeous you are or are you just really, really lazy?
I will swipe right if your photos are supremely interesting and warrant further investigation. They had better be fucking epic though. Or as ambiguous as hell.
2) Have a mountain bike photo
I have been serious about meeting people more my age when I try this online dating thing.
Seeing people my age in full-on bicycle gear (which is kind of ridiculous even if it is for professional reasons) is unappealing.
Sorry. It just is. Nothing cool about it.
In addition, it makes you look like you’re desperately trying to prove how young and fit you are.
I don’t care how old you are.
In fact, I am hoping to meet people my age who celebrate the passing of time and are comfortable being themselves.
Confidence and wisdom are very hot. And very sexy.
Although it is lovely that you will be off mountain biking at every possible opportunity because I do enjoy a great deal of alone time. Food for thought.
I’ve also recently discovered (while trying to buy a bike for my kid) that a mountain bike is now a status symbol. Upwards of R20k for a bike?
Holy shit. You have gotta be kidding.
Is this why you are showing your mountain bike off? I’ve never been that interested in status symbols though, so back to swiping left.
3)Tell me that they won’t be my Sugar Daddy or Wallet in their Bio
I’m not carrying your suspicion and insecurities about women on my already too burdened shoulders.
Thanks, but no thanks.
Although I’ve (also only recently) been educated about gold diggers and, after some more research, am still reeling that this is an actual thing, I have enough of my own insecurities about men who just want a quick lay or who are also, in fact, gold diggers to let go of.
Yep — men can be gold diggers too. Trust me. I’m an expert.
I would expect the human that I meet is mature and experienced enough to own their own shit, carry their own shit (or discard it), or (preferably) have processed their shit enough to no longer have any fear that they will miss more shit.
In short, I have had enough of crazy shit. Both my own and others.
Get over yourselves.
4) Anyone with a drink in hand trying to look like the fun guy / girl
“You don’t have to be cool to rule my world.”
In fact, I would prefer you are just human. Like me. I find this adorable. And fascinating. And beautiful.
Also. Alcohol is a shit drug and I’m not into it. Sober is sexy as fuck and it also requires an enormous amount of courage and self-awareness.
Hot. Hot. Hot.
5) The requests for threesomes
Good fantasy fodder, but I’m not convinced that this is healthy, not plain old addiction in disguise, or will end badly for everybody in the long run.
Also. I’m a bit squeamish about the health risks physically.
How does this even work?
6) The body shot
Why even?
(Am I officially too old for this shit?)
7) The adrenalin junky Peter Pan
What are you trying to prove?
I have: scuba-dived (my favourite sport); abseiled; paraglided; skydived (while I was coming down on class A’s) and more.
Outdoor activities are awesome. Will do. Just no more extremes. It’s exhausting.
I don’t need to make a big thing about how exciting I am anymore.
Excitement is, more often than not, drama and chaos in disguise.
Safe and comfortable is real and cool.
8) The addition in a Bio of ”but I’m young at heart and physically fit”
Clearly looking for younger women to fuck.
I’m too old for them anyway.
9) The sports car
I don’t really care.
What are you trying to offer here? What exactly are you trying to say?
There is an above ninety percent chance that you will regale me with suspicions about the intentions of all those dodgy females that just want your money.
Also - you’re asking for trouble and your next bio will include number 3, dumbass.
10) The suited up, yacht in the background, super smooth businessy type
I’ve never been comfortable in gatherings like that and plan to avoid them entirely and in perpetuity moving forward.
Also. I may have to wear shoes if I date you. Possibly even with heels.
No fucking way.
11) The “I’m recently divorced and new on here”
Self-explanatory.
*boing boing
12) Professed Dominants
Although I do stop by for a chat sometimes as this interests me.
Just sex is pretty much done for me now. Health risks. Again.
And I will probably get attached accidentally if the sex is good. Even if you are a doos.
I can take better care of myself, it’s cleaner and less complicated.
Also, I’m pretty good!
13) Professed Submissives
Unappealing.
Or is it?
But same as above.
14) Anyone under 49
The younger guys adore women of my age and it gets crazy, it’s hard to keep up with all of the texting (the kids are fast), and my texting sucks.
Also. See 12. I’m into monogamy even though I believe I’m polyamorous by nature. (Aren’t we all?)
I can't imagine juggling a bunch of lovers. I just don't have that kind of time. Plus I still actually do believe in love. And commitment.
I even get tested before I begin a new (sexual) relationship. Like that responsible.
Is that weird?
Seems to be. On Tinder. Sadly.
15) No profile picture of themselves
Married for sure. And there are a lot of ’em.
Discovered the hard way.
You're a dodgy fucker and I’m on to you.
101) Anyone named Steve, Geoff or my worst two shitty exes names
Shteve is Shexy. (Friends)
My name’s Geoff. (Viral meme)
I’m sorry in advance, but my son and I use these quotes and memes all of the time to have a laugh. I now laugh instinctively when I come across you on Tinder. It just is. Nothing personal.
The others are self-explanatory. And yes. They were that bad. I am traumatized enough to never date another of either of them. Even if it is just “what’s in a name?”
I would totally date a Jason or a Nicholas though.
102) Anyone who looks like my Dad
I worshipped my Dad.
But that would just be fucking weird.
I am back on Tinder. Despite all of this.
I think that (maybe) leaving it on with no expectations… kinda like visiting a decent local coffee shop occasionally to say an organic hello… is a better approach to meeting new, whole, human beings online.
Than just randomly swiping. Probably for all of the wrong reasons, mostly.
Possibly.
Thanks for your reading time!
If you enjoyed this, you make also like these
Find me on Ko-fi for all of my busy-ness in one place, for a free downloads, and to send a coffee if you want to share the caffeine
By becoming a member, you can support all of the writers creating original content on Medium and send me a small commission
