I Can’t Sleep Because I’m Hiding A Big Secret
and other theories
My friends smirk and tell me I suffer from insomnia because I must have a guilty conscience. That my sleep issues are because I’m secretly another Zodiac Killer or Matt Gaetz.
Others point out that a lot of us are “over-stimulated.” If we just dim the lights each evening and wear pajamas made of natural fibers, instead of eating chocolate Goobers, wearing synthetic sweatpants, and watching Resident Evil: Infinite Darkness we can Zen ourselves to deep sleep.
Unfortunately, the whole point of America is to be over-stimulated. We have more screens than we have children. We drink “energy” water. Our pet food ads promise to give our pets enough zest to run faster than Usain Bolt.
I’ve been recommended all sorts of things: Pills and sprays and edibles and drops, and patting my head and shoulders, and monotone podcasts, and red eyeglasses, and taking a hot bath, and listening to Chuck Schumer. WTF.
I have a “sleep doctor” at Kaiser. He sent me to a workshop. A bunch of insomniacs sat in a circle. A woman conducted our gathering. She said she owns a giant blanket that is also a kind of inanimate support animal/cuddly mattress. Who knows what it is. I wonder what her husband thinks of it. We discussed our situations. One woman had real emotional trauma and issues. The rest of us just needed attendance credit so we could get our sleeping pill prescriptions renewed.
One man had a solution that’s worth noting. When asked what he had done the previous week to help him sleep he answered, “I stopped worrying about it.”
All of this writing is wearing me out. I think I’ll go take a nap. ;)
