satire
I Got Vaccinated & Bill Gates Won’t Stop Calling Me to Hang Out
BILL! BILL! BILL! BILL!
It happened folks! I’m pricked and pumped with the latest and greatest from Ol’ Bill, the patented covid-19 vaccine. My computer’s grandad has protected me against the horrors of intubation, and I’m here to give you an honest review of my life as a vaccinated man.
It started off well enough.
It started off well enough. The injection was painless, and I have been quite healthy ever since. My body feels strong, and my new-founded peace of mind is immeasurable.
I do, however, have one minor critique. Since the injection, my arm has been pulsing with a soft red light. No problem, I thought. That’s the cost of modern medicine. Then, well, he called.
“Hey hey, my bro, what’s up??? Ready to hit the town tonight?”
“Who is this? Why is your voice coming from inside my skull?”
“Ha ha, you’re such a joker, man! It’s me, Bill Gates! I saw you got the second dose! Let’s hit the scene Bro-meo, find us some Juliets!”
“…what?”
“It’s Bill dude! Like the computers? I just bought a club, filled it with babes, and brother, it’s time to fish.”
“Oh, wow, gross. I don’t want to do that, Mr. Gates. I’m not comfortable going into a club just yet, and I’m not really interested in ‘fishing.’ I think that’s a terrible way to talk about people, to be honest.”
Come on bro I just ditched my wife and I’m ready to get WET
“Come on bro I just ditched my wife and I’m ready to get WET. I’ll even go halfsies on bottle service so we can get floppy. Like the disk? Chicks dig that line man. I’m funny. Us two hounds are ready to hunt! You’re the Bro-mulus to my Remus dude, and it’s time to slurp. Alright hopping in my private jet, see you in a few.”
“I’m sitting this one out Mr. Gates, I really don’t want to slurp. Can you make my arm stop flashing please? It’s frightening my cat. Also private jets are very bad for the environment.”
“Fuck the environment dude, I’m Billy the Gate! Call me that, Billy the Gate! And then when babes come a-callin’, I’ll be like ‘access granted, the Gate is open.’ Wordplay dude. I’m single now!”
“I know, yeah. I don’t think people will enjoy calling you that, Bill. Please don’t come over.”
“Aw come on, don’t be such a buzzkill! Be a buzz-BILL! Like me! I’m buzzing off our vibe dude, you and me are electric! I didn’t withhold the vaccine patent from all the poor countries just so you could sit on the couch! It’s time to show my global dominance out on the dance floor! Welcome to the bro-deo, partner! Time to colonize! That’s what I’m calling ‘sleeping around’ these days. Colonizing! Get it?”
“Truly disgusting stuff, Bill. Maybe use your jet and all this excess energy to deliver some vaccines to a wanting country.”
“The only country that matters is mine, Christopher Colum-bro, and you’re getting in on the ground floor. I just got a hot tip that my bid on Hawaii just got confirmed, and I’m turning those islands into the Bill-zone. That cock Zuckerburg can suck mine, baby, ain’t NOBODY gunna steal land from Indigenous peoples better than me.”
“Horrible, you’re horrible.”
“What’s with all the salt, bro-mide? I didn’t get to be the richest man in the world by being nice to people. Billy gets what Billy wants, and right now, Billy wants to party.”
So I blacked out after that, and woke up this morning with a massive headache and a stack of paper implicating me as a legal witness to Bill’s purchase of Hawaii.
Ultimately, the vaccine itself okay, but it really comes at a cost. Maybe try the Sputnik V instead.
