I Have Invented a New Method For Sorting Clothes
This will revolutionize lazy culture
Hello reader. You have undoubtedly found yourself in the same place I found myself in just last week. You have too many clothes and not enough space to put them away and not enough money to wash all your clothes and not enough motivation to even try and fix any of these problems. Well, I’ve got your covered. Listen up cause I’m about to give you some advice that will make your mother beg you to call her back.
This method requires zero dollars and zero motivation. In fact, I’m sure this method works better if you are in debt and severely depressed. All you need is a floor, some clothes, and a can’t-do attitude.
Step 1 (the beginning): Take your clean, unfolded laundry from your laundry hamper and dump them in a corner of your room. This will be your first pile of clothes. This will also free up space in your laundry hamper for step 2.
Step 2 (the call to action): Take your dirty clothes and put them in your laundry hamper. Once it’s full, take it to the laundromat, wash it, dry it, and bring it all back. Now, you have a pile for clothes that are clean and a hamper full of clean clothes. But where do you put the dirty clothes? You can’t put them in the hamper cause it’s full of clean clothes and you can’t put away your clean clothes cause you reaaaallllyyy wanna rewatch that cartoon you liked when you were 8. On to step 3.
Step 3 (very important): Make a pile of dirty clothes next to your laundry hamper. This will clearly indicate that they are dirty and will remind you that your hamper is full of clean clothes so there’s no mix up. But what happens when you wear a pair of pants only once? They aren’t really dirty enough to be washed, but they aren’t clean enough to go back in the hamper. That’s where step 4 comes in.
Step 4 (my favorite step): Take your once or twice worn jeans and sweaters that went over a t-shirt and put them in a pile on your floor. This is the pile for your half-clean clothes. Once you’ve worn them too much and they become dirty, put them in the pile next to your laundry hamper. You following so far? This is where it gets complicated.
Step 5 (self-expression): You wanna wear some clothes from your clean clothes in the hamper, don’t you? So you reach into the hamper and pull out your favorite shirt, only to find it’s still a little damp. Damn those dryers. Do you go back down and run your shirt through the dryer again? Hell no! That costs 2 dollars! What you need to do is hang your clothes off of your lamp overnight. This will allow them to dry at no extra cost to you. Once they’re dry, just leave them hanging there for a couple extra days or even weeks, for good measure.
Step 6 (optional): Take a couple sweaters out of your closet/dresser. Try them on. Decide you don’t like the way they look with your pants. Toss them on the floor. This is now your third clean clothes pile. I find that this pile really completes the room and gets me in a productive headspace.
Step 7 (not optional): Put a pair of underwear in the center of the room. Wipe all memories of this pair of underwear from your mind. This is your mystery pair of undies. Are they clean? Are they dirty? Are they yours? You should not be able to answer any of these questions.
Step 8 (the step that I would normally make you pay for, but I’m feeling generous today, so you can have this extra one for free, as a treat): Expand! Start leaving your jeans and jackets in your living room, kitchen, and bathroom. When your roommates ask you to move them, tell them you’ll get around to it. Eventually, they’ll get used to it.
There you have it! My eight easy steps to an organized wardrobe and an organized mind. I’m waiting to hear back from Marie Kondo now about collaborating on a book full of tips just like these, but until I hear back, hold tight. Remember, when in doubt, make another pile!
