I Love Joe Biden. I Want to have his Children.
He should step aside.
No one loves Joe Biden more than me. Really. He is just a beautiful, beautiful man in every way: brains, brawn, Paul Rudd-like good-looks. He is perfection personified — an ideal paragon of a man. And womanhood too! If Joseph R. Biden was Josephina R. Biden, he’d undoubtedly the hottest, smartest, baddest motherfucker of a woman who ever walked the halls of the White House.
On top of all his good traits (and Joe, there are just too many to name!), he also stopped Dirty Donald in 2020, gave us the CHIPS Act, infrastructure spending, increased fuel efficiency, green new jobs, and a strong economy (and yes, Americans, all that is true). He’s also helped checked Russian aggression with aid to Ukraine, helped rebuild NATO, and hasn’t fucked a porn star (though, surely such offers have come rolling in).
He’s the greatest thing since sliced bread. Better than sliced bread! Better than the computer. Better than the invention of the printing press. This man is a human god. In fact, we should call him Demigod Joe. I, for one, am willing to pray to him.
And my first prayer will be: President Biden, God of Gods, King of All the Universe, will you please step aside and not run for president?
I’m not saying you can’t win, DJ (Demigod Joe). I know you can. Despite the fact that you sort of didn’t show up for the last debate (your mind was probably trying to work out an all-encompassing theory of the universe, I’m sure), you’re still running pretty much neck-and-neck with Trump, just a bit behind.
But here’s the problem, Joe: Have you seen that fucking guy? He’s like someone pushed a raging dumpster fire down a hill into a nitroglycerin plant located right next to a manure factory. Or, perhaps a better analogy: Do you remember, Joe, how in the movie Monsters Inc. they used to collect screams and use them for fuel? Well, Trump is like we collected all of American stupidity, added racism, bigotry, and a healthy dose of arrogance, and used it all to create a candidate. Then dropped that candidate on his head a few more times.
Of course, the problem with this analogy, Joe, is that we didn’t collect all of the stupidity — there’s still plenty of it out there. There are still plenty of people willing to vote for this putz even though he’s promised to expand his Muslim ban, start a trade war, go after his political opponents, and act like a dictator as much as he possibly can.
Now, I know you, Joe. You’re saying, “Let me at’m! Let me at’m!” And I understand that sentiment. Demigod vs. demagogue.
But the thing is, Joe, you’re — how do I say this? — really, really old. And forgetful sometimes. (Yes, even gods can be forgetful.) After all, you have a lot on your mind. And we really, really, really need to beat this guy — this ass with hair. Because he’s dangerous, Joe. Really dangerous. Another Democrat — one who’s younger and maybe has a lot of your same ideas — would likely have a better shot of beating him than you.
So now, since you are a god, we need you to do the godlike thing: step aside. You’re shaking your head, Joe, I know. But think about it: this will cement your godlike status. You’ll go down in history as a great American hero. And a stud. Because, remember, I still love you — more than anybody. And am deeply, deeply attracted to you (as is, I imagine, everybody).
It is as someone so incredibly in love with you, Joe, that I ask you to do this. For your country. And so maybe you can have time to reply to all my letters of affection.
I’d do anything for you, Joe Biden. Anything and everything. Except, of course, countenance you staying in this race any longer.
Follow Ross on Substack.
