I Love My Inaccurate Fitness Band
It Discovered I’m Amazing
The way things were going, I was never going to get fit because I kept waffling on how exactly I would go about it. My desire to stay/become fit was…vague.
That’s when I remembered that I am a disciplined, efficient, productive writer? Of course! I can become fit just by making a logical plan and following it. That’s what I do all the time. I think. This would be step-by-step planning that would lead to at least a few thousand steps. That’s…weekly, right?
And I did it! The plan just poured out of me once my discipline and efficiency were finally engaged. For those 2 minutes, I became the person I claimed to be, and I banged out that plan. The file got saved. Step #1 was implemented immediately.
Step #1: Buy A CHEAP Fitness Band.
This is such a DEEP Step #1. Almost a Lunge #1.
First, buying yourself an accessory is like giving yourself a reward for making a plan and already starting with Step #1 (the non-fitness part of the plan). And since I don’t have a lot of accessories, this feels big. Even important. The band’s simple black lines look good on my wrist.
Add to that, your friends will see from your Accessory that you have a fitness plan and will compliment you on your fitness results. This is such an amazing, positive start to a new life of staying/becoming fit.
The cheapness is also super important, and not because I am poor. This is psychology at a level you may not even understand (although…I’d be surprised if you didn’t). Buying a cheap band reduces the financial risk of my fitness plan by recognizing that the rumors you may have heard suggesting that I am productive and efficient in implementing plans are…in certain cases, almost always, ever-so-slightly inaccurate.
The proof of this very slight, inefficient trend, can be seen by looking at Step #2.
STEP #2: <<loading………………………………………………………>>
I lost Step #2.
And it will never be found.
I made the Planning Steps in a rush, and ordered Step #1 online directly after typing out the plan. I saved the file while dreaming about my future Accessory. Now I can’t remember where the list was saved.
It was in one of my folders with a lot of folders for topics that I find hard to categorize. It could be anywhere. I have more than one of those folders with folders. I’m an ideas man, so those folders get a lot of saves, and not a lot of opens.
The Result? We are stuck at Step # 1, but surprise……
My Plan Worked Anyway And I Stayed Super Fit
Surprisingly, Step #1 paid off in HUGE Fitness Dividends. I bet you that took you by surprise!
This is what happened. After a week of wearing the watch and trying it with different clothing combinations, I accidentally noticed that my Heart Points were off the charts!!
What? Oh, of course! I’m Super Fit Already!!
That’s right, I keep taking the same strolls at lunch as I did before my Accessory Purchase/Fitness Plan. However, apparently when the band jiggles a little, it thinks that I am doing High Intensity Exercises (HIE) when in fact I’m strolling.
And the Band loves giving Heart Points for High Intensity! I admit that I had a bad impression of ‘High Intensity’, and it was definitely not the direction I wanted my Fitness Plan to go. But I freely admit that I was wrong, and it really does fit to my personality and lost fitness plan.
Those Heart Points Are Real
Despite what you’ve heard, I don’t get those Heart Points from my Accessory moving around. In fact, the Band feels snug. That’s why I have a new theory that the Accessory doesn’t just measure heart rate, but it also measures something slightly intangible. I theorize that this may be Intent? Willingness? Perhaps my Mental-Stroll-Intensity?
I know I said at the beginning of the article that I had a VAGUE desire to get fitter…but suddenly I’m starting to realize that I misjudged myself completely.
My desire is OFF THE CHARTS! And the Accessory recognizes that.
Much like Skywalker had a slumbering Force inside him that turned out to be the biggest, baddest Force in the whole Galaxy Far Away. He had NO idea that that kind of shit was inside him, either.
Fitness At A Whole New Level
Whatever my Accessory is feeling, it’s recognizing it with MEGA Heart Points. After another 2 days of strolls, I was approaching the level of an Elite Athlete, and the only performance enhancing drug I took was a Flat White halfway through.
And it didn’t stop improving. Just yesterday, I had two strolls and two Flat Whites that took me BEYOND. I saw those elite athletes, acknowledged their hard work, and nonchalantly strolled right by them.
I am now so far beyond elite athlete, that I am creating my own fitness category to fit my new reality discovered by the Accessory.
Not Everything Is Perfect
Today I skipped on my evening stroll and chilled on the couch instead. There’s the real possibility that I’m pushing my heart too much/too fast. I have to recognize that I’m still mostly human/Accessory, and that there’s a limit to what I can expect from my body.
I try and remember that I never set out to be the God-Tier Athlete I became, I just wanted to be a little fitter. I feel grateful and humbled by my success. Although…
…on the other hand, is this really the time to be humble? I often don’t give myself enough credit and am way too hard on myself. This is the time to change that! Specifically, I finally have the numbers to back up my amazing accomplishments and am statistically justified feeling better than everyone else.
This is a good thing. I don’t need a plan. I don’t need to be humble. I’m ALREADY THERE, and I have the Accessory that proves it.
Encouragement For The Discouraged, Lesser Folks
Are you looking to start a Fitness Program? You, too, can buy a cheap Fitness Band, and…if you’re as lucky as me, you may also find a slumbering Awesomeness inside of you that may just one day rule the Galaxy — not the Galaxy far away in your imagination, but the real Galaxy you are imagining right here!
If I can do it, so can you.
I’m Still Mostly Human
Naturally, even a Ruler of This Galaxy such as myself doesn’t live life without obstacles.
To be specific, there have been some issues with my Sleep Points assigned by my Accessory. According to the Accessory, I’m only sleeping better than 70% of Users.
This is clearly fake news.
Ask anyone who has ever lived with me, if there was one God-Tier ability of mine that didn’t need an Accessory to discover it, it was my ability to sleep. When I was 8 my mom ambushed me at the doctors by asking him if it was weird that I went to bed without being told. I guess she hadn’t read the Reader’s Digest as completely as I had, because she would have known that a regular bedtime was healthy.
You see, I’m not perfect because my Accessory won’t bend on the Sleeping Issue. This should reassure you that I’m not like those other writers that promise too much with their own Step#1 Fitness Plans. Even the Ruler of the Galaxy has to deal with imperfect Accessories.
