I, Mike Pence, Will Not Endorse Donald Trump
And not just because he tried to kill me.
After much consultation with family, friends, and of course my good buddy Jesus, I, former Vice President Mike Pence, have decided that I will not endorse the man I served so faithfully, Donald J. Trump, for president.
Let me be clear: This decision does not result from any personal animus I hold for Mr. Trump for putting me and my family in grave danger when he sent an angry mob to murder me after I refused to support his plot to overthrow the government and install himself as dictator. As I explained to Martha MacCallum, the greater issue to me is that Donald Trump has abandoned core conservative principles — not the principles that allow us to subvert democratic rule, rig the economy, demean the poor and demonize minorities — those he’s good with — but other, more obscure conservative ideas that are extremely important to me and to our country.
For instance, he has refused to address the national debt I in no way helped him expand by backing the tax cuts we gave to the wealthy. In fact, he could do the right thing and propose a plan for more tax cuts for wealthy doers that would simultaneously further reduce the debt (It’s going to work someday! You’ll see!) and discourage the idle poor, allowing them to recognize that starvation is motivation.
As with the poor, he also hasn’t done nearly enough to condemn and vilify LGTBQ+ people, whose best option for not being murdered or brought to suicide would be to see the light of God and develop a proper moral code, like me.
I’m also worried at this point that Donald Trump may no longer recognize our need to be armed to the teeth in order to protect our Christian way of life. The Second Amendment must be preserved. We cannot let a few mass shootings and a homicide rate higher than any other industrialized country reduce this commitment.
Which brings me to the sanctity of life — another area where Donald Trump has failed us — and not because of how he literally tried to take my life (Have I mentioned the crazy bastard tried to kill me?). All life is sacred, including IVF life, no matter how small or undeveloped. This means, logically, that sperm is also sacred, which is why Trump should publicly oppose masturbation, and yet he has not. I, on the other hand, do not masturbate — ever. No matter how many times people tell me to go fuck myself, I refuse. Does it make me appear to be wound tighter than a mattress coil? Absolutely. But at least I can live with myself knowing that I have not violated the sanctity of life.
Of course, though I cannot endorse Donald Trump, I also cannot conscientiously support Joe Biden. You see, while I love the Constitution so much I might consider having an affair with it if I wasn’t a good Christian, I still haven’t been entirely sold on the idea of preserving democracy. Plus, I like to keep people in suspense wondering who I’ll vote for. Will it be Trump? Kid Rock? The Ghost of Ronald Reagan? Who knows? You’ll have to wait and see.
But I will not publicly endorse Donald Trump. And as the media has noted, nothing like this has ever happened before! Unless you count Thomas Jefferson not endorsing John Adams and then running against him. Or Jefferson abandoning Aaron Burr after he killed Hamilton. Or Andrew Jackson and his vice president, John C. Calhoun, pretty much wanting to kill each other. Or Theodore Roosevelt abandoning his chosen successor, William Howard Taft, and running against him in 1912. Or Vice President John Nance Garner publicly opposing and then running against FDR in 1940. Or Al Gore not wanting Bill Clinton to campaign for him. So, OK, it’s happened. But still! Look at my political courage!
And no, this is not just because my wife has kept repeating to me, “Are you crazy? Are you crazy? That man tried to kill you!” every day since January 6th.
No, it’s my political courage after deep contemplation.
Because no matter how many mobs Trump sends to murder me, I will always put my convictions first.
(Speaking of convictions, how exactly is Trump not in prison yet? You know he tried to kill me, right?)
