I should be Sleeping, I Need to be Up in 5 Hours
Cliché ramblings of a guy who should be asleep
I write this from my laptop in bed. Fully knowing that writing this is not helping me go to sleep, fully aware that I am just adding fuel to the problem and by the time this is finished I will have lost another half hour at least. Honestly, picking the picture might take an extra fifteen minutes alone.
But what else am I supposed to do? That is the dilemma that I come across every time this happens. On one hand you know you should sleep so you figure you should just lie there and hope for the best. But then after a few hours of lying there, you feel like you just wasted a few hours not doing anything and could have been doing something productive instead.
But will starting something productive now make things worse? Will it wake you up even more? Of course it will, but what is the other option? Laying in bed doing nothing for who knows how much longer. Thinking these exact thoughts anyways, might as well write them down.
The worst part is that I am shining this blue light from my laptop onto my face, which they say keeps you awake. I don’t know what blue light is, and every time I think about looking it up I lose interest. But some scientist guys say it is bad for sleep so I believe them. I don’t even know if its true, I just remember reading a headline once. I could easily be spreading misinformation right now, I really am part of the problem.
I’m hungry.
Does anybody else think about death a lot in the middle of the night? In between the moments where you check the time and calculate how many hours of sleep still technically possible. I don’t know if it is something about the darkness of night, but I often contemplate death in bed. How it looms over us, how it crawls closer each day. Just me? Everybody else is well-adjusted?
It’s a scary thing. The permanent sleep. Maybe that’s why I can’t sleep, maybe sleep scares me because it reminds me of death.
Which I will do if I don’t eat something. I’m so hungry.
Speed round of all my other thoughts while I laid in bed for the last few hours. Hopefully getting them all out will get them out of my head and allow me to sleep.
- Am I going to die alone?
- Am I that unlovable?
- I still have to lose 14 more pounds
- Why do people love Disneyland so much?
- I’m hungry
- Taco Bell would be the best right now
- I should read more
- I need to buy a new laptop at some point
- Remember to pay your credit card bill tomorrow
- I should meditate
- Yes, you are that unlovable
- Nah, you’ll find the one
- Maybe
- I should write my thoughts out on Medium, that might help
- I haven’t had ice cream in so long
- Corporations are evil and the amount of control they have over politics is absolutely insane
- When did I become a hippie?
- I shouldn’t be so hard on myself
- Who started the concept of counting sheep and has that ever actually worked for anybody?
- Tomorrow is going to be rough
- I’m hungry
- But the idea of getting up and going to the kitchen when I am cozy in bed. I would much rather just lay here and complain about being hungry. Will eating something wake me up even more, or will lying in bed hungry keep me up more? Equally valid options. Although one option saves me some calories so I think staying in bed and dealing with the hunger is my answer. Probably the wrong choice, but I’m sure I would have felt that either way.
