I Should Have Given Him More Time-Outs, Says Trump’s Former Nanny
“Oh, yesiree, sir, Oy was ‘is nanny and quite an ‘andful, he was!” Said Miss ‘typhoid’ Merry Poophens, Donald Trump’s former nanny and secret bookie.
“A dodgy wanker, that one!”
Miss Poophens’ was interviewed at Autumn Shadows, a retirement home for former servants. Mr. Brian Simons, a homicide investigator was following up on a cold case concerning another servant, Merry’s cousin, who worked with a transient team of starving artists, chimney sweeps, and child laborers.
Miss Poppins disappeared without a trace during the time young Master Trump was in the care of Merry Poophens, who remembered her fondly.
“Aww, right, Mary, ya. She was right posh. A bit prissy, always singing like a lark, that one!”
“We’ll get back to her, what do you remember about little Donald?” Mr. Simons asked the former governess, who appeared to be in a sort of stupor.
“Miss Poophens? Miss? Are you awake?”
Asked if she had noticed anything significantly different about young Donald Trump while in her care, the former nanny nodded off, then was jolted awake by the sound of a nearby cannon.
Working with an interpreter to turn her crazy, cockney ravings into English, some of Miss Poophen’s insights were gathered for this story.
“He wouldn’t wait his turn when we rode the carousel ponies,” She said, and he whipped his horse— whom he called Nightmare — with a riding crop encrusted with glass and bits of razor wire. “He’ would push his way to the front of the line, to pre-school ya’ see, and he had a habit of knocking down the little girls, while viciously pelting the other boys with broken Trump vodka bottles, and fake diplomas.”
When asked if anyone was ever seriously hurt, she told an amazing story about one chubby little girl, Rosie, who little Donald pushed off the merry-go-round. Rosie suffered two broken ribs and a fractured ankle.
Donald then jumped off himself, killed a fox with his teeth, and presented it to another little girl he began to pummel with kisses.
“It took a a bit to figure out his hands were all over Miss Polly. His hands were so tiny, and moved so fast, we thought she had insect bites.” Miss Poophens reported, adding ominously that Polly recovered, but Miss Rosie came into some ‘bread and honey” means, and her whole family moved to France.
When asked if young Master Trump was ever disciplined for his behavior, Miss Poophens said that for this particular incident he had a full ten minute time out, during which he consumed an entire chocolate cake meant for another’s child's’ birthday celebration.
“I should of given Donnie Boy more time-outs”, the old woman sputtered.
The former nanny described that although chocolate frosting and crumbs were all over his face, he asserted that it was Hillary who took the cake, although there was no one by that name at the school.
Was it true the other children called him “Little Lord Flaunt Your Toy?” Simons asked.
She reported that ‘Little Donnie’ always had solid gold airplanes, cars, and miniature thrones he would dare the other children to touch. When they did touch his things he flew into a rage, and began signing their homework with what he declared were ‘executive orders’ to maim, torture, lock her/him up, or have the other children rounded up through ‘extreme vetting’ for either deportation, reduced healthcare, or ‘worse.’
When the topic of the mysterious disappearance of Ms. Poppins came up again, Miss Poophens looked down at her oddly Victorian button up shoes and began to sob.
“Oooooh, Oh, dear me! The manky, little git killed he“r, I jusss know it!”
Reconstructing the scene from a shaky memory, Mr. Simons had little else to go on, but managed to surmise some of the incident.
When it was time for naps, Little Donald made sure everyone had an extra “spoonful of sugar,” which we now know to be either pure fentanyl or morphine. While others slept, including teachers and aides, Donald slipped out, and climbed to the roof where Ms. Poppins was sweeping, and tripped her with her own umbrella, whereupon she fell down into a cartload of cinder and ash that Little Donald paid several Russian spies to take away.
It’s a story that left no evidence, and that has aroused suspicion upon the graduating pre-preschoolers’ infamous valedictorian speech. Although the Little Nippers Preschool technically had no valedictorian, Little Donald pushed his way to the podium, shoving Miss Poophens aside.
“You’re fired, and I was going to fire you anyway,” he said. “Although I do appreciate, that three times, on three separate occasions, you cleared my name in regard to any part of any crime, or leaking, or such thing such as this whole Russian thing. Okay? You’re fired.”
The former nanny reported that when several children began to protest, security guards in riot gear pushed them out of the room, leaving only a small handful of terrified, confused, and/or mistakenly loyal classmates, which he thanked, as his “Millions of supporters”, adding,
“We’re all winners here. Some of my girls here, will be beautiful pieces of ass. And we’re all going to be like, really big stars, Okay? And we’re doing a great job. And now I proclaim us graduated. Now where is my gold booster chair, and cookies?”
As Miss Poophens finished her story, she fell back into a stupor, leaving more questions than answers. But her regret at not putting ‘Donnie Boy’ into more time-outs shone faintly in her eyes, like the flickering, dying flames of a once great democracy.