I took care of a toddler for 48 hours
My husband and I have no children. We have two dogs, which is pretty much the same thing. I often find myself giving young parents, sage-like advice:
“Your child won’t stop wetting the bed? When we house-trained our dogs we used pee pads. Have you tried those?”
“Your child has a peanut allergy so severe you spent the weekend in the ER? When we changed our dogs’ food we just introduced it very slowly. Did you try that?”
I think parents really enjoy these exchanges.
Last weekend, my sister and her husband wanted to have a little staycation. I volunteered my husband and myself to take my niece to see Grandma and Grandpa. I figured it would be a breeze. Four adults, one two-year old. The odds were ever in my favor.
On our way to Grandma and Grandpa’s house, my sister emailed me the TWELVE steps to night-night time. I was taken aback. My dogs have two steps, outside to pee, inside to sleep. Perhaps, the dogs had not set my expectations properly.
Here are the twelve steps to night-night time that my sister sent. Each step is followed by what really happened…
Night-Night process:
1)Bath time fun. She likes bubbles too.
1 actual) Smell something funny, ask the baby if she pooped. “No, I didn’t poop.” Sigh of relief. Realize it is not the dogs and she has figured out how to lie. Take her to the bathroom for bath where she is still adamant that she did not poop. Take off diaper. She laughs and says “ha ha, I pooped.” POOP EVERYWHERE.
While gagging, try to run bath water and yell “Put your butt in the water!” Husband suggests soap. USE ALL THE SOAP. POOP EVERYWHERE. CHILD SCREAMING. ADULTS SCREAMING. Get wet wipes and gag as I clean all of the poop and husband runs in and out of the room taking toxic waste to the outside trash. Forego actual bath. Rinse her, dry her, wrap in towel and try to stop the screaming. I finally calm down.
2) Put on PJs
2 actual) “Not those PJs. I want the kittens.” We frantically look for kitten PJs. There are none. Try to pass off monkeys as kittens. Fail. Try to excite her around puppies. Fail. Realize it is already 30 minutes past bed-time. Act like kittens while putting on monkey PJs. Seems to work for right meow.
3) Brush teeth (yes, you have to at least a little). First is “baby’s turn” this will last a fucking eternity. You must hold the toothbrush and loosen the cap to the toothpaste. She will open the toothpaste and try to put it on the brush. Once you have shaken off the first gallon of toothpaste, she can commence brushing (aka sucking on the brush). After a while, you must demand your turn, and give her teeth a quick scrub. Just do what you can.
3 actual) All of this happened. Learn that demanding anything of a toddler is a bad idea.
4) Kiss everyone, including the dogs
4 actual) Must skip. So late. Commence yelling at spouse about how late it is.
5) Get a sippy cup of water (she will go to bed with this water)
5 actual) Where is the cup! WHERE DID WE PUT THE FUCKING CUP!
6) Just one person should sit with her and read her the Nemo coloring book in a quiet setting. You may choose to read another book or not.
6 actual) I CAN’T FIND THE CUP. GO TO THE STORE AND BUY A CUP. Get in car, find cup. Husband tries to skip pages in the coloring book thinking she won’t notice. Oh, she notices.
7) Put her in her crib, hand her Baa-Baa and Bunny. She will jump on the bed and call herself a “monkey jumping on the bed.” It’s kind of funny.
7 actual) Try desperately to get her into the crib. She is in full spread eagle spider mode and will not go in. The sippy cup has finally arrived. Get her in while singing.
8) Tell her to lay down for blankets. She will likely request the flower blanket or owl blanket first. Clearly, it does not matter which is first, but she must lay down to get the blankets.
8 actual) She requests neither and instead wants the water blanket. WTF is the water blanket. Text sister “WTF is the water blanket and what is the Dory song?” Kid takes the owl and flower blanket before I get a response of “don’t know.”
9) Place water in the crib with her
9 actual) Cap is not on right, spill water.
10) Sit next to crib and sing any or all of the following:
Old McDonald, Mary Had a Little Lamb, Twinkle Twinkle, Muffin Man, Row Row Row Your Boat, The “baby song” (Hush Little Baby — it’s on page 77ish of the book), This Little Piggy (yes, you must do both feet, and sometimes her hands), Itsy Bitsy Spider.
10 actual) Try to skip all songs and fail. End up singing all songs. It is one hour past recommended bed-time and 55 min into this routine.
11) She sometimes wants you to do the “letters on the back or belly”. Remember how mom used to write on our backs with her finger? That’s what she’s asking for. She sometimes wants you to use her finger instead of your own. You must comply with this request on the belly. It does not work on the back no matter how much she wants it to.
11 actual) Letters done three ways.
12) Say goodnight, walk out while singing “Row Row Row”… she will probably cry, but it won’t last terribly long. If she goes past 15–20 minutes, repeat some singing and “letters on the back” if absolutely needed.
12 actual) Walk out calmly singing Row Row Row Your Boat… Fall on the floor at safe distance and cry. Drink two glasses of wine and wonder what the black stuff is in the chardonnay. Answer: mascara and tears.
