Comedy
I Visited Yellowstone National Park and All I Got Was This Nasty Scald Wound
“DoN’t tO ToUcH ThE gEySeR” they told me. Cowards, all of them
What’s the point of visiting a so called national treasure if you’re not going to get your money’s worth? I’ve had it up to my ears with park rules and regulations, a bunch of dorks with deer whistles trying to tell me what I can and cannot do with a geyser in MY country!
Does Yellowstone have a nice patch of trees? Sure. Interesting rocks? Of course!
But we all know what we’re really here for. The crown jewels, so to speak. Those tantalizing water-filled succubi. The geysers!
Ho boy, I’m sweaty just thinking about them. The four base elements of life, water, hot air, earth, man, all coming together, pulsing, swelling, bursting in unison, one sweet, triumphant eruption. Whew doggie what a ride!
All that pent up tension, suspense, teasing, testing, teasing, everyone on their edges waiting, salivating for that big old nasty old burst. No sir no how, it simply doesn’t get any better than that.
So what if I wanted to get a little closer, so what if I wanted to envelope my being in the mother of all climaxes? What’s the point of being alive if you’re not going to feel alive, know what I mean?
But boy howdy, did that sucker ever scald me good. I don’t know if the water is normally that hot, but it got my leg red as a hat and twice as bubbly. It bucked me good, that geyser, and I respect the hell out of it for doing so. I wasn’t ready, not then.
Here’s the thing — while the tour guide technically warned me not to do it, he didn’t make himself clear on the matter. Not clear enough, at least. He said that the geyser might cause bodily harm. He basically winked as he said it!
I asked him if anyone had ever climbed into the geyser hole to get blasted, and he gave me a look! The look. He said he didn’t think so. As if to imply that someone can, possibly has already, or perhaps even should climb into said hole. What more encouragement does a guy need! My shoes were off even before he finished talking!
But oh no, I guess it’s my fault for running barefoot, bare chested, bare legged into that, the most beautiful of nature’s watering fountains. Come on people! Let’s get serious! How am I to be blamed! I thought I was in communicado with a fellow geyser appreciator, not some sellout who is only in the parks tourism game for the cash! It’s thanks to him that I ended up in this hospital and I’m certainly suing the state for damages, I’ll tell you that much.
Still, I don’t have any regrets. Well, maybe just the one. I regret that the geyser erupted before I got the chance to get my whole body inside the sucker. I only managed to slide my leg, my left leg at that, into the Angel’s Mouth. My name for it, not theirs. They probably call it “hole number seven” or something sterile like that. The DORKS! The absolute pocket-protecter-ass NERDS man. They don’t appreciate the beauty they have on their hands.
But I do. That’s why I’m sneaking out tonight, against the nurse’s so called advise. I’m going back to the park, come hell and high water.
And this time, I’m getting in that sucker. Full body. And I’m getting blasted. Blasted good.
