I Want to Visit Canada, Where the Men Without Hats Dance in Safety

Photo by Anne Nygård on Unsplash

I want to visit that Canada of hatless men.

Where a hatless man and a little person in motley romp in the long grass.

Wait a minute. That little person (who is definitely a man) is wearing a hat.

Okay, then.

I want to visit that Canada where men are agnostic on the hat situation.

But they are definitely not agnostic on the dance situation.

I want to visit that Canada where it is safe to wear cod-medieval costumes in a cod-medieval village.

(Cod is a Canadian export.)

I want to visit that Canada where lip-syncing is a natural resource recognized by the Canada Council for the Arts.

I want to visit that Canada where collecting groupies such as a small dog and a wildly gesticulating peasant woman during an afternoon stroll is considered acceptable, respectable, and even aspirational.

I want to visit that Canada where three official languages are represented: English, French, and semaphore.

I want to visit that Canada where Morris dancers are a protected class. (For more information on the endangered Canadian Morris dancer, please contact the Canadian Wildlife Service.)

I want to visit that Canada where people wear chicken masks, because why not?

Where maypole dancers appear spontaneously, even in June.

I want to visit that Canada where frolicking is mandatory.

I want to visit that Canada where people who don’t dance get left behind.

I want to visit that Canada where people who don’t dance have no friends.

That Canada where nondancers are ostracized, slandered, and vilified.

Where failing to dance will get you up to fifty-five months in a maximum security prison.

But acting real rude or totally removed is ever excellent, ever decent, and also legal.

Wait, what?

They filmed that music video in England?

Oh, forget it then.

I want to visit that England.