I Won’t Ever Be Famous
(But If I Was, I Would Do It Right)
I have come to grips with this: I won’t ever be famous. And no one is ever likely to ask for my autograph. (Besides the odd FedEx delivery person, that is.)
But! If I did become famous, and people did want my autograph, I would handle it appropriately. By telling them “No.”
That is what Steve Martin does, and Jonah Hill, sort of. Instead of doling out autographs, these two are purported to have on hand a stack of business cards with witty rejoinders printed on them. Jonah Hill’s says “I just met Jonah Hill… and it was a total letdown.” Now that’s funny! In my opinion it is better than an autograph.
That said, it is too impersonal, for my liking. It is clever, and is much more cost effective, in terms of saving time and effort for Jonah Hill, but it‘s kind of lame, too. It is a bit of a let down.
I mean, if someone is taking time out of their boring and unimportant life, in order to use up much more precious time belonging to a famous person, the least that famous person can do is to give them something genuine in return. You know, for their pathetic effort. For many regular people, getting some Big Shot’s signature would be the highlight of what is otherwise a completely meaningless existence. I know that, personally. My life is irrelevant. Really.
So, if I ever strike it big, and people want my signature, I will instead provide them with something much more unique, and personal. They deserve it. Look how crap their lives must be, if they are stooping to this?
If some anonymous person waved a pen in my face, asking for my signature, I would instantly biggie-size that request. On the spot I would furnish this nobody with… a nose hair! As I have gotten older, and odder, I have become pretty good at plucking them out, too. (But always from the edge of my nostrils. It hurts like hell if you rip one out near your septum, believe me.)
You want my autograph? Guess again. Yank! Here’s a nose hair instead.
Sometimes when I am aiming for one, I end up producing a whole whack of them. All the same, I would limit sharing them to one nose hair per customer. In the event that I become really famous, and don’t have enough nose hairs to go around, I have a contingency plan.
I will make sure to have a surplus of nose hairs on my person, at all times, in a little moleskin pouch I have secured in my breast pocket. The first five autograph seekers will get a fresh hair, right from my nose, on the spot. Five per day. But after that, I’ll dig into my stash.
My stash will be provided by immigrant children I keep in a couple spare rooms in my mansion. I am a famous person, so it goes without saying I have a mansion. I probably own a chimpanzee, as well.
Here is the bottom line: If you aren’t famous, you are a nobody. There is no shame in that. Most of us are nobodies. And nobody wants a nobody’s nose hairs. Trust me. So, you get to keep them.
If you are famous, you are amazing. You did it! You owe us nothing. It is enough that you make movies for us, or Youtube videos, or sell us makeup, or EFTs, or Ponzi schemes, or whatever. But… and feel free to say no, because you do so much for us already… do you think you can spare a nose hair?
