I Yelled at Inanimate Objects for One Week

Here’s What It Taught Me about Genghis Khan

Photos by Rodnae Productions at Pexels

Day #1

Object yelled at: Kellogg’s Special Edition Blueberry-Frosted Mini-Wheats (1 box)

What I yelled: You’re a horde of bint-nosed blue-tinted nibbly-nobbly milk-suckers! Get a job, you little scrotums!!

Here’s what it taught me about Genghis Khan: Genghis Khan was born in 1162.

Day #2:

Object yelled at: Mattel Earring Magic Ken Doll (just his detachable plastic bum)

What I yelled: No one asked for your opinion, you nickel-bred fart machine! How dare you sit there and smile?! I’m gonna baste you in your own natural gravy!!

Here’s what it taught me about Genghis Khan: Genghis Khan was the founder of the Mongol Empire which encompassed the deserts of Mongolia, the natural habitat of the gerbil.

Day #3:

Object yelled at: Road Salt, scraped off the bottom of my winter boot

What I yelled: Beware, O thou vast and unwieldy Paste of Man, O Residue of the Sweat of Winter, for there is evil afoot! Oh yea, and it do breed corrosion and white stains on sidewalks!!

Here’s what it taught me about Genghis Khan: Genghis Khan’s facial hair pattern is known as a “chin curtain”.

Day #4:

Object yelled at: Tiddly Winks

What I yelled (while scooping up handfuls and letting them slip through my fingers): I’m rich!! Rich, I say!! Filthy rich!! I’m gonna buy a gazeeeeeebo!!!

Here’s what it taught me about Genghis Khan: Like Genghis Khan, most gerbils have white beards.

Day #5:

Object yelled at: Stick of Rock Candy, Brighton, England

What I yelled: Imma suck thee into a point! Oggy! Oggy! Oggy! Oi! Oi! Oi!

Here’s what it taught me about Genghis Khan: Genghis Khan was betrothed at the age of 8, which is too young for a wife, but plenty old enough for his very own pet gerbil.

Day #6:

Object yelled at: Wendy’s New! Hot & Crispy Fries

What I yelled: Frrrrreeeeeeedommmmm!!! OM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM!!!!

Here’s what it taught me about Genghis Khan: The gerbil is also known as the Mongolian jird.

Day #7:

Object yelled at: Roget’s Thesaurus

What I yelled: Muthafuckaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Here’s what it taught me about Genghis Khan: Jird. Jirrrrrd.