The Haven
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The Haven

Ian Goes to Catland

Officer McCarnicle ran his calloused fingers through his thinning hair as he paced the holding room. Detective Lind sat at the table, file in hand, drumming his fingers. “I know you’ve told him the story,” pointing to McCarnicle. “But now I want you to tell ME.” Ian leaned forward in his chair. His cheeks were ruddy, his forehead sweaty, and his stringy black hair fell from the sides of his head like mom’s spaghetti.

“Where should I start?”

“Start from the beginning. It’s always good to start there.” Ian gazed up at the white lights in the ceiling.

“Okay, like I told everyone else, I was asleep.” Lind wrote as he spoke.

“Did you happen to drink or take any mind-altering materials?” Ian shook his head.

“No. I had fettuccine alfredo for dinner, a glass of Gatorade, and a banana.” Lind looked up at Ian and made a face.

“A banana?” Ian shrugged his shoulders.

“I like bananas.”

“Then what happened?”

“I watched some tv and went to bed before 10 pm.” Detective Lind continued to write.

“What happened after that?”

“That’s when things get a little…weird.”

“Don’t worry about weird just tell me everything.” Ian looked at both men and cracked his knuckles.

“The next thing I remember is waking up to someone in all black creeping around my room.” Lind put the pen down and moved in closer to listen.

“How big was the person?”

“I couldn’t say.”

“How much did they weigh?”

“I don’t know.”

“Can you tell me anything? Any detail?”

“He…uhhh..had a tail.” Officer McCarnicle snickered.

“That’s enough, McCarnicle,” Lind snapped. “Go on.” Ian averted his eyes, and Lind picked up on it. Was he ashamed or lying?

“This…person with a tail, he told me if I listened, I wouldn’t get hurt.”

“What did you do?”

“I said, okay. Next thing I know, I’m in CatLand.” Lind opened his mouth to say something and thought better of it.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean one second I’m home, and the next, I’m there.”

“In CatLand?”

“Yes.”

“And what’s it like?” Ian squinted his eyes.

“Smelly. Ahh, somewhat crazy.”

“Crazy how?”

“Like there were dead mice everywhere.” Lind’s eyebrows danced across his brow.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, there were dead mice everywhere. The streets, the pantry, everywhere.”

“What else?”

“They had nice furniture. Real expensive, and clawed to shit. Like they didn’t care.” Officer McCarnicle moved to the corner of the room. He wasn’t buying this bullshit and wondered why Lind couldn’t see it himself.

“Can you tell me how big?”

“How big what?”

“How big is CatLand?”

“I don’t know. That would be like asking me how big is Kansas? Fucking big.”

“So, it’s not just one home.”

“No, it stretches out for miles. You can walk for an hour before finding a piss lake.”

“A what now?”

“A piss lake. A lake made of cat piss.

“So, what did you do there?” Ian stared off into the distance and grew emotional.

“I..I…mainly I was at their beck and call. I’m sorry.” A couple of tears cascaded down Ian’s face. Detective Lind pretended not to see.

“Like what exactly?”

“Filling their saucers with milk, petting them. Umm at night, they wanted catnip. At that point, they were impossible to deal with.”

“How long were you in CatLand?”

“I don’t know. An hour? A year? Time doesn’t exist in CatLand. Just meows and purrs and screeching.”

“How did you escape?”

“That’s the thing…I didn’t!” Ian lunged and stabbed Detective Lind in the neck with the pen on the table. Officer McCarnicle, in shock, fumbled his gun, allowing Ian to pounce. When they were sufficiently dead, Ian climbed off and licked his hands. Once they were clean, he removed his face…

Revealing himself to be a fat Persian cat.

“The war has just begun. Meow.”

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Tom Starita

Tom Starita

When asked for her thoughts about him, Oprah Winfrey said, “Who?” Tom Hanks refused to respond to an email, and Mookie Wilson once waved from a passing taxi.