I’d like to go back in time and edit the 2nd Amendment
I’d make sure it was crystal clear
I barge into the Pennsylvania State House in 1787 with my MacBook Pro, dizzy from the 236-year trip through the space-time continuum and stiff from the cramped Time Travel pod from which I’ve just emerged.
As a pharmaceutical marketing copywriter by day in 2023, I’ve been asked by no one to attend this confab. In fact, I have a zoom meeting in half an hour to discuss content for a new diabetes drug website. But that can wait; this is literally a matter of life and death.
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
No sentence has been debated more ferociously, and for as tediously long, as the Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. Is it any wonder? This is quite possibly the most awkward sentence ever written. No disrespect, James Madison, but could you have been a little more clear?
It comes down to this — whether the right to bear arms is related to one’s service in a “well-regulated militia” or not. The pro-gun lobby doesn’t (want to) believe it does; therefore, that part of the sentence doesn’t matter to them. However, the gun safety movement believes it does matter, very much. And that you can’t simply ignore the entire first half of this sentence.
Whatever their intention, clearly our founding fathers were not overly concerned about being clear.
“First things first, who is our audience here?” I ask, like any marketing professional worth her salt.
“The People, of course,” James Madison responds, rolling his eyes misogynistically. “Who the hell are you?”
“I’m a writer from the future, 2023 to be exact, where the words of your Second Amendment have been parsed to kingdom come, and no one can agree on what the hell they mean. Even the Supreme Court justices couldn’t agree, back in 2008.”
“Is the Supreme Court still a thing in 2023?”
“Just barely. I know you designed it to be impartial and keep the other two branches of government in check, but it’s not exactly living up to your vision, Jim.”
“Well that’s disheart…”
I sense that he’s about to whine and nip it in the bud. “Let’s stay on task, OK? We’ve got our work cut out for us here.”
“OUR work? Who asked for your opin…”
“I’m taking it upon myself, Jim. We’re literally dying back there and we need some clarity. Soooo…here’s the billion-dollar question: For the love of God, what EXACTLY are you trying to convey?”
I take a deep breath. This is it. The political mystery of the millennium is about to be solved, and I am here for it.
“We want to grant The People the individual right to keep and bear arms. And we want it enshrined in perpetuity, ” James Madison mansplains, irritated at being cut off twice.
Now it’s my turn to roll my eyes. I was hoping with all my heart that wasn’t the case. But I’ve gotta treat this guy like any other client and execute on what I think is a seriously bad idea whose effects will reverberate for centuries and create a gaping chasm in our society. I tap out a couple of sentences on my laptop. “OK, how about this?”
Guns are a God-given right. Therefore, the individual right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed under any circumstances.
“What the hell is that thing?”
“It’s a computer. It’s how we write in the future. And google stuff. And basically live out our entire lives.”
“Google?”
“Never mind. What do you think of my draft?”
Suddenly Ben Franklin pipes in. “NO! The right to bear arms must be a condition of one’s service in a well-regulated militia.”
“No wonder they ended up with a word salad,” I mutter to myself, rolling my eyes again. But my spirit brightens. Perhaps we’re getting somewhere. I tap out a few more sentences.
“OK, then how’s this?”
A well-regulated militia is necessary to the security of a free State. Therefore the right of the people serving in that militia to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.
Mayhem ensues. The entire 55-man congregation starts arguing about the very issue that plagues us today: is it an individual right or not?
I leave the State House six hours later with a full-blown migraine, racing to catch the last Time Travel pod before it blasts off without me. I just make it.
Like the experienced content creator that I am, I’ve given my clients two excellent options. Surely they will go with one or the other, and when I get Back to the Future, life will be as idyllic as when Marty McFly returned to 1985 to find that his parents were not total losers.
No such luck.
