I’d Rather Have The Munchies Than Be Dead

I’ve been following the controversy over medical marijuana ever since states began legalizing the drug in response to a growing list of medical benefits that exceed even those of cigarettes, vodka, and fast food, which are already legal in all states. In addition to decreasing horrible side effects of chemotherapy, cannabis has been shown to be effective in treating things like epilepsy, autoimmune diseases, and according to recent research, cancer.

Yes, recent studies are showing that cannabis not only prevents and reverses cancer cell growth on its own, but that chemotherapy drugs are more effective at killing cancer cells when taken in combination with cannabis. This comes as great news for many people, but there is one little snag in the system. Cannabis, it turns out, happens to be on Schedule 1 of the Federal Controlled Substances Act, which is the most restrictive category. It is reserved for things that have “no currently accepted medical use” and “severe safety concerns”, such as LSD, cocaine, Twinkies, and heroin. So patients have to contend with the threat that the federal government might decide to step in and override state law.

There have been many attempts over the years to remove cannabis from Schedule 1. But this would take an act of congress, which is now comprised of mostly republicans who believe cannabis is a dangerous drug that should remain illegal. Besides, they are much too busy dealing with the opioid epidemic, which is claiming thousands of lives, tearing up families, and threatening to unravel the fabric of society by destroying corporate profits. Opioids are not on Schedule 1 because their molecular structures are slightly different than heroin, so at least the federal government, which also goes by the nickname “giant drug companies”, doesn’t have to deal with that annoying hurdle. But they are still being forced to answer tough questions, like why are so many people dying.

Maybe this is a situation where republicans and democrats could work together to find a solution. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I know. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. But stay with me for a second. Maybe drug companies would be willing to pull these dangerous opioids off the market if they were promised the rights to stick an extra molecule fragment on the end of the cannabis chain, making it no longer a Schedule 1 drug, and reap the profits from those sales. Since it is virtually impossible to overdose on marijuana, they should theoretically make even more money because their customers wouldn’t all be dead.

Just a thought.