If Infomercials Sold Parenthood. . .

Would you call the number on the screen?

Emme Beckett
The Haven
Published in
5 min readMay 2, 2020


Image By James Steidl on Shutterstock

The Pitch

Do you want to have your vagina torn in two pieces?

Well, have I got the thing for you! Oh, wait. That’s not your cup of tea? No problem! Option numero dos is way easier. We’ll just slice your lower abdomen open, remove some intestines (briefly!) and stitch you back up.

Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

And is there anything more? Why yes! Get this. . . you get to be awake for all the epic fun. TRIPPY!

Don’t go anywhere! I’ve only just begun.

Don’t Close Your Eyes, Like Ever Again

Next up: Sleep. I bet you’ve had the same sleep patterns for a while now. Well, it is time for a change. Change is good!

Now, you’ll get to experience the human body on what’s called sleep deprivation. Sounds rather fancy, right?

Don’t be scared, it’s actually great fun because you’ll morph into an entirely new person. New year, new you.

You might start to forget things. But let’s be honest, don’t we all want to escape reality from time to time. I know I do!

You might start to snap at your loved ones over seemingly unimportant things. Well, they deserve it! Haven’t you been keeping your mouth shut for a little too long? Honest communication is vital.

Fueling Your Body to Prepare

You might over-caffeinate. No harm there! You deserve a relaxing cup of joe to heal your tattered vagina.

Wait, did I say “relaxing?” Oops. We need to edit that. CUT!

How do you feel about dining at restaurants? Romantic table for two, please? Yeah, buh-bye. Those cheesy dining days are over now, big shot. Now, you get to shake up the dining experience.

GET THIS: When the server greets your table, be aggressive, and insist on ordering your food immediately. Don’t forget to ask for the check then too. And take-out containers because you ain’t finishing shit.

Let’s Talk about Sex Baby