If Infomercials Sold Parenthood. . .
Would you call the number on the screen?
The Pitch
Do you want to have your vagina torn in two pieces?
Well, have I got the thing for you! Oh, wait. That’s not your cup of tea? No problem! Option numero dos is way easier. We’ll just slice your lower abdomen open, remove some intestines (briefly!) and stitch you back up.
Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
And is there anything more? Why yes! Get this. . . you get to be awake for all the epic fun. TRIPPY!
Don’t go anywhere! I’ve only just begun.
Don’t Close Your Eyes, Like Ever Again
Next up: Sleep. I bet you’ve had the same sleep patterns for a while now. Well, it is time for a change. Change is good!
Now, you’ll get to experience the human body on what’s called sleep deprivation. Sounds rather fancy, right?
Don’t be scared, it’s actually great fun because you’ll morph into an entirely new person. New year, new you.
You might start to forget things. But let’s be honest, don’t we all want to escape reality from time to time. I know I do!
