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If My Obsession With Almond Butter Kills Me, I’ll Die Happy!

They say the heart wants what it wants. Well, my heart wants me some almond butter.

Oleg Kagan
The Haven
4 min readFeb 11, 2020

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OMG! I’m sweating!! Credit for this porn goes to Esther Max via Flickr (cc)

I love almond butter.

I thought it would be more difficult to admit, but here we are. Is it controversial to adore almond butter the way I do? Don’t answer yet. I plan to hold nothing back, I promise.

Okay, I guess it probably isn’t a big deal if I told you that I prefer almond butter on my toast more than I love any other morning snack. It’s so good!

And it’s healthy, too. Haters say that almond butter has a lot of fat content. To that I say: “Really, haters? Fat-shaming a spread?” Last time this happened I went to a dojo and inquired about learning the MMA — It’s important to defend what you love.

Almond butter goes perfectly with so many foods (grapes, cucumbers, tuna salad), and it’s also great solo! If it was a celebrity, I think it would be Justin Timberlake. I’m sure there are weirdos out there that would get off on slathering him on their pancakes, but me? I prefer the real thing.

I would bathe in it.

I would literally shoot almond butter out of my shower head at high speed until my tender flesh was slathered in the delicious brown goop. It would…

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The Haven
The Haven

Published in The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Oleg Kagan
Oleg Kagan

Written by Oleg Kagan

Author, editor, speaker, writing coach, and librarian. More at olegkagan.com

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