Illuminati Sends Cryptic Message; World Descends Into Chaos


Last Friday, a cryptic message, intended for an alleged member of the Illuminati, was intercepted by the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI). The FBI, unable to understand the message, decided to crowdsource the investigation by releasing a filtered audio clip on various social media platforms.

A spokesperson for the ongoing investigation said that, “the sound was initially extremely garbled, and [that] it was only after a series of examinations that we eliminated the unnecessary noise”.

“We don’t know what’s going on here. Maybe they’re planning a pigeon attack.”

However, the world only seems to have amplified the chaos. Local police authorities have reported a 10% increase in brawls over the contentious issue. ENT clinics across the States report a 23% increase in complaints of “ear pain and partial deafness, possibly caused due to the increased exposure to repetitive sound”.

The Haven interviewed numerous people about the audio clip. It appears that the primary stakeholders in this issue are teens.

“All I hear is Yanny,” says Kim, 17. Meanwhile, Jim, 14 says that “it has to be Laurel. I don’t understand you guys”.

Numerous experts on sound, perception, and neurology have also dived into this problem. They attribute the difference to “the imperfections and differences across human bodies” and the quality of audio devices. The FBI, on the other hand, denies these claims.

It is still unclear what information the FBI has, which is being withheld from public release. Conspiracy theorists claim that the words spoken in this audio clip, are, in fact, “your elf”, and neither “yanny”, nor “laurel”.

Dedicated to my roommate who spent one and a half hours listening to this audio clip to hear “the other word”.