HUMOR

I’m Asocial and COVID-19 Turned My Life Into an Introvert’s Paradise

5 excuses I now use for being my hermit self — and I’ve never been happier

Phoenix Huber
Nov 28, 2020 · 6 min read
Photo by Noah Buscher on Unsplash

Lockdown sucks… except for me.

Look, I don’t want to make light of the deadly virus nor its terrible consequences. Real suffering is no laughing matter.

It also wouldn’t be fair for me to gloat in front of you shit-out-of-luck extroverts. For you, a single day stuck at home feels like what a month of solitary confinement would feel like for me.

But I’m going to do it anyway.

I used to call myself an extreme introvert. Then I realized I may be what Franco Amati calls asocial. For this reason, social distancing has made my life in 2020 into a living daydream — a waking fairytale!

I’m writing this to brag and be a meanie— but also to give voice to my fellow asocialites. I can’t be the only one who couldn’t be happier about COVID-19’s “epidemic of solitude.” Here are 5 excuses I now use for being my hermit self.

1. Oops, I have to stay safe by avoiding social gatherings

For most, “Stay home, stay safe” is a sobering reminder of each civilian’s responsibility for defeating this pandemic.

For me, “Stay home, stay safe” is a mantra… a way of life… my entire personality… and my excuse for not having to do anything anymore. ^_^

Halloween party? Sorry, I think I’ll do the “responsible thing” (read: recluse thing) and stay home. I’ll listen to ASMR videos while watching bunny rabbits outside the window. I’ll sip jasmine tea, read a book, and bask in a lavender-infused bubble bath. I’ll do every other stereotypical introvert thing under the moon, safe from COVID-19 and safe from pointless small talk.

Oh, but my soul withered like a waterless orchid when we couldn’t have that big Thanksgiving reunion… Christmas, you’ll be next to “break my heart.”

The only hard part is when people insist on godforsaken Zoom calls. What ever happened to good old-fashioned talking on the phone, my dears?

Now when extrovert friends tell me their sob stories of loneliness, I’m unable to jump for joy and throw my unwashed socks in the air like confetti while voice-acting sympathetic. They can see me on the webcam, damn it!

Instead, I have to suck it all in and conjure a Jennifer Lawrence-worthy performance of facial sympathy.

During this pandemic, I’ve lost what little semblance of social skills I once had. Don’t we all have that excuse?

2. No more driving — halle-freaking-lujah

Eww, who misses traffic?

Plus, people could see me through the windows while I was driving. I’m way too introverted for that.

Alas, I have to maintain my Goody Two-Shoes appearances. I’ll just say I’m sorry the brave warrior Uber drivers must put themselves at risk. I’m in sympathy with truckers who chug across highways to deliver quintessential medical supplies. I’m in solidarity with the grocery store saviors and hospital heros who still commute every day to keep our societies functioning.

My life depends on those cool-ass folx. My stone-cold heart should wake up and feel intense admiration for them.

Maybe it would be easier for me to summon compassion for the virus’s many victims if I could be honest about the fact it made my own life into a paradise.

Cuz right now, I feel like some evil pyromaniac who’s happy the whole world’s burning — but I know it’s just a symptom of my lifelong struggle as a misunderstood and suppressed asocial person.

Who’s with me?

Anyone?

3. I lost my job to COVID-19 and can’t go to work — such hardship

In person and on TV, everyone’s so worried about the economy and essential workers and knowing our loved ones are cozy and COVID-free in their little cottages. Everyone is nobler than a kitten-rescuing saint.

Then you visit an unemployment support group on Facebook, and the posts tell a different story…

Everyone just wants their unemployment insurance (UI). We just want to game the system and get everything the government will give.

Despite of course wanting everyone’s suffering to end, we have a naughty wish this COVID-19 excuse for being unemployed will last as long as possible.

I promise we’re not psychopaths. We’re just introverts. We always longed to live a relaxing, limited-interaction life that doesn’t involve venturing into public too often. Our dreams finally came true under the most freakish of circumstances. We’re so, so sorry for being unbelievably, blissfully, over-the-top EUPHORIC as these awful tragedies unfold all around us.

I understand if you block or unfollow me because of these disconcerting confessions. But I want you to know: 20% of my heart is in the right place.

4. I’m a “self-employed writer” now

What, government? Unemployment ends December 31? No thanks to people’s unchecked extroversion on Thanksgiving, we’ll see if a rise in COVID cases doesn’t warrant another UI extension…

Because I’m really enjoying being a “self-employed writer.” Yes, that’s what I call myself now. I’m pretending your relief payments are paychecks for the brilliant walls of text I spew all over social media subscription sites.

Let’s ignore the fact $100/month in royalties won’t put food on my table once this all is over.

5. I’m not the only one who’s happier thanks to social distancing

My 5th excuse for being a hermit these days? I’m not alone.

Oh, but I am. :)

And some of us like it this way. Let’s consider who else has been secretly, sinfully blessed by 2020:

  • Germaphobes no longer pressured into shaking hands.
  • Women no longer harassed on the street. We’re either at home, or have masks hiding our sexy noses. If anyone tried to mess with us, we’d just slap them with a measuring stick and tell them to stay 6 feet away!
  • Wild deer and feral chickens with a reduced chance of dying every time they cross the road. Stay home, save nonhuman lives too.
  • Homebody schoolkids who are sssoooooooo disappointed every day feels like a snow day. Now they can half-ass online quizzes in their PJs and get back to doing whatever they really want to do – which probably doesn’t involve being stuck in a class of 29 other students when you’re as introverted as a free-roaming moose.
  • Fellow supporters of sane governance. Now we don’t feel obligated to visit relatives with Trump banners above their doorstep. I’m always afraid when I walk under that thing, I’ll come out wearing a MAGA hat.

Wow, this might be the meanest thing I ever wrote. I swear I’m usually sweet. But my alter ego is named Ivana Beale Ownbitches. She emerges from the cave to say hello now and then.

If you too have privately been in paradise because of this socially isolating pandemic, I know you wanna party with me!

Just the two of us… for a short period of time… from 5,700 miles away… in our imagination… because we’re extreme introverts.

And at last, we extreme introverts can embrace the life of maybe 90% solitude, 10% meaningful human interaction that actually makes us happy.

Serious version: I love people, I do, and the Zoom calls aren’t so bad! I just continue to struggle with feeling like an A-hole for how much I enjoy being alone. I hope I didn’t hurt anyone’s feelings, and I hope I made at least one asocial person feel like less of an alien!

Have a safe, serene, and snicker-filled day, everybody! Wherever you are on the introversion-extroversion spectrum, I wish you your version of social paradise. ❤

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Phoenix Huber

Written by

I am an effusive Pollyanna and vegan trans woman. My passion is to be kind to all kinds.

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

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