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I’m Not Happy With The Role I’ve Been Assigned In Mike’s Elaborate Marriage Proposal

I think my talents are being wasted in this role.

r.j. kushner
The Haven
Published in
3 min readDec 15, 2022

Hi Glenn,

I’ve tried calling Mike but keep getting the voice mail. Guess he’s busy! Anyway, I wanted to talk with someone about the role I’ve been assigned in the marriage proposal.

I know you’ve kind of swooped in to take over a lot of the planning from Mike. Great that he trusts you so much with something so important. You must be very close. Way to make a barber like me jealous! Haha, I’m kidding. Barber humor, you know how it is.

Anyway, as you know, right now I’m assigned to carry the laptop with Mike’s Great-Aunt Helen Skyping in and dancing. I’m happy to go where I’m needed, of course, and everyone knows I’d do anything for Mike. But I really think my talents are being wasted in this role. I should be one of the dancers at the end.

I’m a great dancer, Glenn. I talk about dancing all the time when I’m cutting Mike’s hair. Sometimes I’ll even put a dancing video on the TV while I’m cutting hair and say, “Hey, why don’t we watch this for a while?” My clients love it, including Mike.

That’s why I suspect you assigned me the laptop-carrying role, because you don’t know my background very well. That’s not your fault. Getting your hair cut over at Gino’s is your fault, though. Haha, I’m just kidding around again.

Anyway, we’ve got 24 hours until the proposal so there’s still plenty of time to do some rearranging. I already know all the moves, so that won’t be a problem. Just slip me in there. I could probably take Bobby’s place when you guys lift Mike up at the end, too. Bobby’s too short for that. Sometimes he comes in for a trim and I’m like, “Hey Bobby, want the booster seat?” I don’t really say that, but I think it sometimes, you know.

I’m strong and could probably just pick Mike up by myself, really. I’ll let you make that call. If not, let’s come up with some kind of signal in case you change your mind at the last minute. But right now I’ll plan on hoisting him up by myself. Just make sure to let pipsqueak Bobby know ahead of time so I don’t have to push him out of the way.

Also, I noticed in one of the email threads that Gino is part of the hula-hoop group. I wouldn’t presume to tell you where to assign Gino (who is my friend) but I can tell you right now that this will be a disaster. Gino has never hula-hooped in his life, and if he told you he has he’s lying. The man has the coordination of a Marx Brother. For proof of that, just look in the mirror at your haircut. I’m joshing. But seriously, he’ll screw the whole thing up. Did he force you to put him in the hula-hoop group? You let me know if he did and I’ll have a “talk” with him. I know how to handle Gino.

Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say. I’ll plan on being one of the dancers at the end tomorrow unless you tell me otherwise. As for who carries Aunt Helen, I don’t know what to tell you. I’d say make Gino do it, but the klutz would probably drop her. All I know is I shouldn’t have to suffer because Aunt Helen can’t be bothered to get her lazy ass on an airplane. I’m just kidding, I know she’s been ill.

See you tomorrow. And remember, my doors are always open if you want to take care of that hair of yours. We might have a wedding to go to pretty soon, and you’ll want to look good for that. And that’s no joke!



r.j. kushner
The Haven

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