I’m Planning the World’s Biggest Heist
Just one last problem to iron out: the getaway car
This is a Stick Up
The rumors are true. I’m organizing the world’s next biggest heist to steal Leonardo da Vinci’s “Codex Leicester”. Its current owner, a man who goes by the name of Bill Gates, has allegedly run into some marital problems. Unfortunate for him, ideal for me. While he’s distracted with divorce court, my team will break into his $127 million home and swipe that little notebook.
The plan is flawless. I’ve recruited two ex-CIA agents, a former Navy SEAL, and Rihanna’s character from Ocean’s 8. Together, they’ll hack the security software, break into the home, and escape without leaving a trace. We’ve got weapons, gadgets, brown bag lunches, and fearlessness. Just one last problem to iron out: the getaway car.
I’m a first-time buyer and there are just so many to choose from!
Advertisements always depict cars as a force that can bring a family closer together, inspire lasting love affairs, or lighten the burden of cancer. But no automaker has bothered to focus on how well a car can whip out of an estate tucked in the hills of Medina, Washington.
What to Consider When Buying a Getaway Car
I originally envisioned a BMW sedan for the obvious aesthetically enhancing properties of such a vehicle. That was until I learned about the gas mileage. I don’t understand or care to learn what ‘MPG’ means but according to u/car_connoisseur on Reddit, a BMW is “the single worst choice you could make in terms of MPG”. So I’m left thinking to myself, are aesthetics a need or just a want?
This is when I began considering a Tesla.
An electric car. Perfect. No need to face unsolicited gas mileage advice from strangers online. If only I had an extra $75,000. My credit score is not good enough for that kind of loan. In fact, if I could afford a Tesla I wouldn’t be heisting in the first place.
At this point, I’m thinking Subaru. If Ansel Elgort can do those tricks in the opening scene of Baby Driver in a Subaru, we can outdrive a 65-year-old man whose exercise regimen consists exclusively of owning a standing desk. But on second thought, if this plan goes awry and I’m jailed for life, would I really want the news articles to report I was driving a Subaru? Does it seem on-brand for the man robbing Bill Gates to have a “No Farms, No Food” bumper sticker?
Just when it seemed I had exhausted my options, it finally hit me. Uber! Safe, affordable, and I can even reserve a ride in advance. All of the perks of a great getaway car without the hassle. I probably won’t even tip the driver!
